masterwordsmith-unplugged

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
The patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a small gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'.

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An older gent drove his brand new Mercedes convertible out of the dealership, stopped at the Pub for his daily fix, headed east on the Motorway and floored it to 130 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through the few strands of hair he had left.

"Amazing! – this is the life" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the old chap as he floored it to 140, then 150, then 160 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police Car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the Mercedes, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, I’m in a good mood and my shift ends in 30 minutes, today is Friday and I have the weekend off. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go with a warning."

The man, looking very seriously at the officer and said, "A few years ago, my wife ran off with a Police officer. When I saw you chasing me, I thought you were bringing her back.

"Have a good day, Sir," the officer replied…..

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DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

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HIDE HIM DURING A WAR

It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

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CHURCH FOR THIS DRUNK

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

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WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

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A VERY FAITHFUL WOMAN


An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started!

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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started!

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started!

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started....

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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started!

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started!

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When our lawnmower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf .

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


* Dear reader, I cannot remember if I have posted some of these jokes before. My apologies if some of these are repeats. Sometimes, I forget to delete from my file once I have posted the jokes - one of the benefits of maturing :-).

Anyway, I hope you have enjoyed this set. Check out the next post on a different type of humor :-) at 11am (+8GMT).

Have a nice day and a wonderful weekend! TGIF!!!