masterwordsmith-unplugged

It has been a long time since I sang. Too long. The last time being in mid-November last year after which I never sang again. Strange how an event can rob me of what I used to love so much. I have not touched my piano or my guitar since that fateful day. In the last eleven months, I think I only touched my piano once when my older boy came back and we jammed a few jazz pieces. But I will sing again...and I will compose music again like I used to...I will...only time can heal...

It's past midnight and I'm feeling blue. Real blue. My dad's second death anniversary is in a couple of days and my stepmom's first death anniversary is tomorrow. I have issues with death. I really do. My mom has been gone for over 37 years and I still miss her so painfully. Coping with loss is most certainly not my forte. How can one go on living normally when there is an empty void that cannot be filled by anyone because the ones we love are gone? Cope. Yup. We have to. But is it easy?

Earlier this evening, while watching my favorites in my youtube channel, I thought of singing again and I did. Since I am a Carpenters fan, it was only natural that I started singing Rainy Days and Mondays because that is exactly how I feel now. Have you ever felt sad? I mean like real sad? Like part of you has been plucked right out of you with no anaesthetic and you are bleeding profusely inside out till you can see your insides and everything seems to become a blur in the aching pain?

Well - that is exactly how I feel now. In the still of the night, while everyone else is in slumberland, here I am spilling my guts because I have no more tears tonight. I did not sleep last night from 2.30 a.m till now. And I am not sure if I can sleep as the whole rigmarole of closing my eyes reminds me of death and my thoughts return again to my dad...the sense of loss, grief, deep sorrow that no balm can heal...and I also lost something else that is so precious to me.

Isn't it funny how we never realize how something or someone means so much to us until we lose it/them? It is so easy to take someone for granted and to go about with our routine until we are blinded by duties and work.

The road to recovery is never an easy one in any circumstance. By the time I recover from the two death anniversaries, it will be November and by mid-November, I will probably (hopefully not though) be swept away by the tsunami feelings as the recollection of it all may overwhelm me. I cannot drive past Esplanade without feeling the lumps in my throat and the goosebumps on my hand. Sighs. But move on, I must and I will.

I recorded this with my Kodak M1033 with no rehearsal in one take. It's very amateurish and I am totally unhappy with it but heck - life is about spontaneity. So what if there are off notes here and there....this is me and I am posting it in the middle of the night cos no one will see it...at least I hope. Gosh - it took almost 2 hours to upload the clip to youtube - a real test of patience indeed. More importantly, I know my voice reflects the deep grief rising from within me. Sighs.

Life - death - birth....the cycle of life...Here's masterwordsmith unplugged with Rainy Days and Mondays.