masterwordsmith-unplugged

A few days ago, I blogged about how I had perfectionist parents but I did not reveal how low self-esteem has always been such a great challenge in my life. In fact, I believe that it could be the root of many issues and challenges that many of us may face in life.

In many ways, I regard it as a very insidious problem that must be dealt with lest it causes other more serious problems. Many do not regard the problem as a serious one when actually it is. Some prefer to partake in the blame game by blaming others for their plight. Now when they do this, they become more detached from the problem and ultimately deprive themselves of confronting and dealing with the real problem and moving even further away from the solution. When this happens, history repeats itself and the person is forced to relive the nightmare all because of low self-esteem.

As one who used to be a drama queen, now I realize that I am not the worst in life and others have gone through similar problems like I have either at a worse or lesser level and have survived and so will I. Ultimately, it is all up to us to live with a healthy level of self-esteem.

Some may feel that this problem does not concern them but actually, no matter how confident one may be, self-esteem problems may still exist albeit at a subtle level. On a personal level, I confess that the failure for me to reach out for my dream, for something I loved greatly when I was young, and the way in which I settled for a safe route to a boring sedate existence damaged the way I looked at myself. Basically, my self esteem issues were inherited from my parents, at a very early stage because of the way I was brought up. My mother, whom I love very much, pushed me to excel and her way of doing it was by putting me down via reverse psychology, completely unaware of its ill-effects on my development. While parents are primarily responsible for shaping our young psyches at this time, the other agents of socialization such as schools, peer and the media also play an important role. Thus, our later experiences in life merely reinforce the core impressions we gained at a very early age.

Older and wiser, I realize more than ever that the role of parents is so vital, and we have to be very conscious that EVERYTHING we do, say, or even think, can have consequences for our children. Moreover, this care must begin whilst the child is still in the womb! If we are too relaxed about how we bring them up, we may unconsciously pass on our own limitations to them as a result.

To overcome low self-esteem, I believe that the first thing is to differentiate self-esteem from self-image. Self-image is developed when we make comparisons between ourselves and those around us and then to judge the image we have of ourselves which is sadly, often negative. And why so? If we look around us, we can usually find someone better than us at almost everything. Once developed, self-image affects self-esteem. Take a look at young children. Isn't it wonderful to see how they seem to have perfect self-esteem BECAUSE they have no self-image? They are NOT continually judging themselves against externals and falling short.

Well, to be honest, it was very tough for me when I was young. From day 1 in Std 1, I was in a very competitive environment in the top class and amongst the top. Then I skipped a year of school and had a double promotion from Year 3 to Year 5 and we were pushed because we were in the express class system (which is why when my older boy qualified for the PTS and could skip a year as well, I put my foot down firmly and refused to let him jump...now he realizes the wisdom of my objection). It did not help that I was surrounded by brain boxes - my classmates were really brainy and there were six who eventually became doctors, gynaecologists, one became a professor at Harvard and others who made inroads in research not forgetting many chartered accountants. And me? Humble me is just me :-). I excelled in university only because my childhood classmates were no longer with me and I fought on new battle ground and surprised myself by graduating top of the class. Sadly, I missed first class honors by a hair's breath and it was only many years later that I realized the implication of being summoned to the Dean's office to explain why I missed first class honors. Yup - I blew that opportunity because I thought I was not good enough. Er...I still have such feelings but I deal with it whenever it emerges, such as by writing this post to exorcise old ghosts in my life :-).

After going through so much in life, after so many ups and downs, mountain-top and valley deep experiences, I know that the key is NOT to work upon self-image. Unfortunately, this is what many people try to do. Deep in my heart, I know that working on self-esteem is the key to creating radical change because as we work from the inside out, how we feel about ourselves in comparison with externals can eventually improve as well.

A lot depends on how we control our self-talk. If we partake in negative self-talk, naturally negative self esteem will be developed. The things we say to ourselves in our minds, as well as the way in which we interpret events in our lives would define the reality in which we live. Most people practise negative self-talk because they see the worst in themselves and in everything that happens. I have been blessed by good friends who have, at different stages of my life, exhorted me to put a stop to such self-destructive thinking. It is our thoughts and expectations that shape and produce what we become and ultimately, the quality of our lives would then be a direct consequence.

To overcome negative self-talk, we can use positive affirmations to nullify negative thoughts. As these two contradictory ideas battle out in our brain, eventually one will prevail and the other will collapse as a consequence. And the one in which we invest the greatest energy and frequency of thought will be the one that wins - the one that leads us to greater self-esteem.

In my personal battle with low self-esteem, I have discovered that there are many effective ways to develop a healthy level of self esteem and the first step in that direction is recognition of the existence of the problem and to take total responsibility for dealing with it. It takes a lot of effort and commitment to develop ourselves in the right direction and the support plus understanding of our loved ones matter a lot. Look out life - I am moving in the direction of creating a higher level of self-esteem and I hope you are too!

Have a great day!