masterwordsmith-unplugged

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver,"Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the cab driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. He stands erect. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The minister says, "Just a minute. That man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"

Saint Peter says, "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
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The Sin Of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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Noah's New Improved Ark

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'.

"Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design."

"Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6," Noah said.

"Ok... 5 or 6 floors."

"I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in."

"Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some animals in there to start you off?" God asked him.

"Erm... Fish!" Noah replied.

"Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"

"Carp, and plenty of them," Noah said.

"Carp. Anything else needed?" God asked. And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark,' God asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?"

"Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark.'"

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Quarantine Diet

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."
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It Must Be The Drinking

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?"

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking."

"Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up."
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Emotional Extremes

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

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Hormone Fun

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.

She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my b****."

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Sweet & Sticky ?

In a biology class at Harvard University, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced, he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat. Have a good day."

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Please accept my apologies if any of these jokes have offended you. As always, my intention is to inject humor into cyberspace and not to insult anyone. Have a nice day.