masterwordsmith-unplugged

A middle aged man boarded an airplane, flying for the first time in his life. He was visibly nervous, ashen-faced, sweating, and gripping the arm wrest so tightly that his knuckles were turning white.

The man in the chair next to him was a minister, who attempted to calm the man. “Be of good cheer, friend. Don’t forget God’s promise from the Good Book: “ Lo, I will be with you always.”

The other man looked at the minister, with a terrified look on his face, and replied “Low! That’s the problem! We’ll be high!”
------------------------------------
Computer gender

Well, since ships are female (referred to as 'she' or 'her'), are computers male or female?

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

-------------------------------------------

Letter to the IRS

Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy ...

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00.

Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw.” (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

--------------------------------------

A Letter From A Forgetful Man

... or have I already posted this?

Just a line to say I’m living.
that I’m not among the dead.
though I’m getting more forgetful,
and more mixed up in the head.

For sometimes I can’t remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
if I must go up for something or
if I’ve just come down from there.

Standing before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away or
have I come to take some out.

There are times when it is dark out
with my night cap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring or
just got out of bed.

So-if it’s my turn to write you,
there’s no need of getting sore, I may
think I’ve already written and don’t
want to be a bore.

So, remember: I do love you and I
wish that you were here.
but, now it’s nearly mailtime
so, I must say good-bye my dear.

There I stood before the mailbox
with my face so very red, instead of
mailing you the letter I opened it instead!

Regards,

*note that he forgot to sign off

--------------------------------------
Top 10 list of things to NOT get your husband for Christmas (or his birthday, or Father’s Day)

Top 10 list of things to NOT get your husband for Christmas (or his birthday) - seriously. No matter what you think, he *doesn't* want these things. Honest.


10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack. Absolutely none. It doesn’t matter if he loves Emmett Kelly - none.
8. Tickets to the ballet, opera, or anything similar.
7. Another new tie - it doesn’t matter how cute it is, or if it lights up
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas - especially if they have feet
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings",
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (we’re talking about what he wants, not what he needs)

------------------------------------------------

‘Twas the Night Before Implementation


*Strictly for the computer nerds among us - but we geeks will laugh out loud at the final 2 lines, since they're *so* true!

’Twas the nite before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of root beer ).

Her resume glowed with experience so rare,
She turned out great code with a bit-pusher’s flair.

More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,
And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!

Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.

A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying her finger upon the “ENTER” key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users’ last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”

------------------------------------
How to know when your young child has been spending too much time on the Internet

How do you know when your child has been spending too much time on the computer?

Six-year-old boy, Jack, recently informed his mother that he wasn’t born—he was downloaded (a true story)

---------------------------------
Have a nice day!

Thanks to friends/readers who sent me these jokes.