Sometimes in life, when we meet those who have hurt or disappointed us, it may not be that easy to forgive and even if we do, it may not be easy to forget. Frankly, I do not bear grudges at all, especially while serving as a teacher and lecturer, or even in my social circles. Some students could have been absolutely rude, naughty, rebellious, lazy etc. but once I pointed out their faults, they would be reminded that I was correcting the fault and not attacking the person and that those run-ins would have no bearing on the way I assessed their assignments or exam scripts. The usual stunned response would follow but in time, these students would know that I meant every single word that I said.
When I was teaching in an international school, a lovely Gujerati girl joined my Year 9 Sociology class. My Sociology classes were very energetic, challenging and required lots of reading, assignments, presentations and discussions on current sociological classes - only the tough would dare to join my Sociology/Economics classes (in fact, this pattern persisted when I was lecturing in another college).
Somehow, the vibrant tempo of my lessons scared her off to the extent that she did not come to school for one week!! At that time, I was the Head of Pastoral Care for the Upper School (Year 10,11) and my colleague (Head of Pastoral Care, Lower School) told me the news. Naturally, I was flabbergasted. How on earth could I have terrified her to the extent that she was willing to face disciplinary action for skipping school? Immediately, I called her home, spoke to her parents and later on, exchanged a few words with her. She came back the next day. Subsequently, her father came to see me during Parent-Teacher Conference and we discussed the situation most amicably.
That was in 1993.
From that time, Nital and I developed a friendship that went beyond the classroom. After I left that school, we never lost touch. She went to KL to do her A levels and then to University of Bath for her first degree and then to KL for her masters and then she joined an American MNC as an engineer. Recently, she resigned from her job and is in the process of applying for her doctoral studies in US.
Nital and I meet up quite often for tea, dinner, sometimes lunch and occasionally visits me at my home. A few weeks ago, when I was down with a very bad bout of vertigo, she took me to the clinic and much later, I realized that it was her birthday! Such is her selfless-nature!
Last night, we met up again for dinner with my family and a mutual friend with whom she worked with in the same department. The other friend treated us to dinner at Paddington's House of Pancakes. I had Alabama - grilled chicken with creamy sauce over pancakes, my dear husband had smoked salmon while my son had some stuff with salami and another friend had sausages etc and Nital had a vegetarian dish.
Later that evening, Nital treated us to chocolate ice-cream fondue at Haagen Daas. i am glad Nital saw beyond her fear of me and that we forged and have maintained such a beautiful friendship through the years....Thanks, sweetheart. Love you lots! (And I am trying to find her a good match :-).Hint!!!)
In times like these, I look back on the years or even months that have gone by and I think about the many friends I have made and lost. A friend is someone who is honest and we can trust, with whom we can hang out with a lot, and some one we rely on because we share a common bond.
The events in the past year have made me into a social recluse. There have been times when I felt I could click with someone and then my words or actions could have caused that person to exit from my life. And believe me, it is very painful indeed when that happens and when overtures to make amends hit a brick wall. I am still trying to come to grips with some scenarios, one of which was with the closest friend that my husband and I had for over 22 years. All of a sudden, it was silence after one last dinner at Jade Garden in Pavillion. And of course there are one or two more friends I lost along the way...Yet, I still hold them dear to my heart despite the wall of cold silence and remember them very fondly, replaying the moments shared, emails exchanged and beautiful moments that I cherish deeply.
When waves of sentimentalism hit me, tears begin to flow and I wonder why some cannot forgive or let go of the mistakes I made, despite my apologies. In one or two cases, I honestly did not do or say anything wrong and till today, know not why things developed as such. Friendship isn't be inseparable. It is being separated and knowing nothing will change.
In other situations, I was wronged and I walked away without bothering to explain myself. I used to but not anymore for I feel that it is not worth it. There are some things of worth and others which are not and I have learnt to hold on to what matters and to let go of what does not. Some may wonder why I do not adopt a harsh or hard-hitting approach in my social interaction or in my blog and some may even wonder if I am too soft or compliant.
The truth is, I am a very fierce, hot-headed and aggressive woman with a very sharp tongue indeed. However, my experiences in the past few years have taught me that sometimes it is better to win the person and lose the battle than to won the battle and lose the friend/student. Aggression gets me nowhere, at the same time, groveling is not my style. I think the worst thing in any relationship is not a quarrel but cold-blooded silence of rejection as seen in the facial expressions or in e-mails that elicit no response or heard in the coldness of one's voice or seen in the body language or worse still, in all the areas I mentioned! Often times, I wonder why some choose that path but I judge them not but mourn the loss and move on, still, with the hope of reconciliation some day.
Yet, I cannot imagine a life without friends. Friends bring about a sense of balance in one's life and allow one to enjoy life fully. As Samuel Johnson remarks, "True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in their worth and choice."
Friends are not quite like anyone else in one's life, one is apprehensive in others' lives, concerns, and general well-being. Friends make others feel superior, are attentive, and long to be around under any circumstances. With time, the result of such qualities allows a relationship to be factual, blissful, emotionally stable, and have a unique bond. A friend "for a lifetime" provides respect, integrity, loyalty, and honesty in a relationship.
Making friends for a lot of us comes naturally, but maintaining these friendships may become somewhat difficult. This is because true friendship cannot survive without love, respect and honesty. If any of these aspects are lacking in the friendship, it will slowly disintegrate. True friendship needs equal shares of love, respect and honesty. Therefore, to maintain true friendship, you need the whole package, just not apart of it.
Love is naturally a part of any relationship. In a friendship, love can mean so many things. It means being there when your friend needs you, no matter what the circumstances may be. It means listening to your friend’s problems and giving them advice to help them out when they are not sure what to do. Or love can just mean giving your friend a hug to show them how much you care. When each friend feels this love, they feel respected. Love ties into respect, which is another important part of true friendship.
Respect is a quality in which one views others in high regard. One shares respect in a friendship. To gain one's respect, one should show respect for others. For instance, if the respect is not mutual the relationship will not have an assured outcome. A friend is respectful when one is content to be oneself. The amount of respect will never change under any situation. One's thoughts and perception is the same no matter who is around. Respectful friends do not violate or interfere with one's personal space. True friends understand the appropriate actions to take to clarify the issue. Not only do true friends protect one another, but one also knows when to back off. Respect is the treatment of others in a kind and considerate manner. Respect in a friendship is just not given, it’s earned. One appreciates the ways in which he or she is unique. An open mind allows a respectful friendship to be everlasting - and that is a precious lesson that I have learnt from blogging.
Human survival is based on friendship. From the highest authority to the lowest bums living on the streets all of them have experienced in some way or the other one of different kinds of friendships. We take this friendship for granted because it is something that exists naturally in society and most of us never really have to actually go out into the world looking for a friend. We cannot thrive successfully as individuals or as a society without having some form of friendship with other individuals at different stages of our lives. Mark Twain said, "Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with."
Frankly, I am deeply grateful that you, dear reader, has taken the time to read my post. It means a lot to me - the knowledge that someone out there is reading my thoughts and even more, when/if you leave a comment. Thanks for allowing me to divide my joys with you and I pray that we will be blessed with more real and genuine friends in our lives. Remember that true friendship cannot be seen with our eyes...but felt in our hearts...
To all my friends in the past and present, thanks for enriching my life! Those moments will never be forgotten just as sure as your precious e-mails or sms messages are not deleted. This is for you...
Please leave a comment if you wish. I would love to hear from you. Thanks.Take care and have a lovely evening!
nick Hi there Sis,
Such a moving account! I would like to share with you a malay proverb which says " Berkasih biar seribu, berkawan biar satu"...err..that's wrong..It's actually " Berkasih biar satu, berkawan biar seribu" ( My missus will hit the ceiling with the former proverb..he..he).
Indeed friendship is a valuable commodity but it shares the same trait as commodity too... Sometimes that commodity turns out to be less valuable as times goes by. True friendship is like gold and diamonds, they last forever. And like wise they are very rare. Am i rambling??...
Well the point is...(what was it I wanted to write???) Oh yes..
(after a big bowl of mee kari), Life is a journey and along the way you pick up things that you treasure. Sometime those things seems to be gems at first sight but later in life it turn out as an ordinary glass. But occasionally you will find the real McCoy, a rare gem, a diamond, a treasure... and that will be worth the trouble for this journey of life.
I see that you have found not one but a couple of treasures in your journey. To be sure you are very lucky Sis. I hope will find more of such gems in the future.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us and have a great life and future. GOD bless.
Hamba.