It is almost 2a.m. and insomnia has reared its ugly head again. It's kind of funny how one's bio-rhythms can be so out of synch when one grows older. The past one year has been a life-changing one for me because of so many things that happened in that time frame.
To better understand my past and how it has shaped my present that will affect my future, I went through my old emails and journal quite thoroughly, at times breaking down in tears even though I tried so hard to resist and to be strong. And as I type this with tears in my eyes, I remember how a year ago, I let little things get to me. I allowed small simple events to ruin my day and a large part of my life when I could not understand why people did not seem to understand me, in the process hurting people I loved and those who loved me. The problem was not with them but with me because at that point in time, I didn't really appreciate life or bothered to understand events and circumstances so I failed to overcome real obstacles to embrace everything that life has to offer.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-born psychiatrist who wrote "On death and Dying" said this in her book:
“You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose.”
How true. In the past year, I learnt that every experience is a gift and I have learnt to take whatever I can from everyday, that my life can be enriched with every experience.
“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
In my writing classes, I make some students describe in prose how sunlight can shine through to the other side through the branches of a tree. You see, the more I think of it, the more I realize that when in full foliage, light cannot get through. However, in winter with the barren leaves and branches, the sun comes shining through easily. And that is so true where suffering is concerned because it can teach us profound lessons and allow us to be more sensitive and to add more value to the world.
Ultimately, I have learnt that each of us is solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime. Sometimes, somehow, somewhere - this can be so painful indeed.
My reflections for the events in the past year have made me realize that I cannot allow other people or circumstances to affect my life or psyche. Real living is when we make a choice to be in control of our own lives - then only can we be productive.
“There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”
I am sure that each of us is on a private search for meaning and purpose in our lives that we have to find for ourselves. I learnt not to worry about the terrible things that could happen to me or to the world and to learn from my experiences. Along the way, I realized that I had to put the pieces of the puzzle together to construct a meaningful and fulfilled life. To worry or to fret would mean that I was robbing myself of who I am destined to be or to do.
I guess wherever we are, whatever we face, whoever we meet, the most important thing is for us to come to terms with the silence in our hearts and to accept that there is a purpose for everything that happens in life. I realize that whatever I need is not something to be acquired but to be realized in the silence of our hearts when we still our hearts in solitude and come to terms with the fact that many answers lie in the center of our hearts, if only we would choose to hear them.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with com passions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Yes, I have come a long way in the last twelve months. The pain has passed but the tears are still there lurking at the corner of my eyes. Yet, through it all, I know that life is for living, a celebration of experiences and there is still so much for me to do, to learn, to see, to experience and to understand and nothing is going to stop me from taking the best out of life!
So sometimes, somehow, somewhere, in the wee hours of a Monday morning when insomnia sets in, I realize that I have a very serious task to perform here on earth. It is not to do with the acquisition of property, money or worldly success. That purpose is discovered only through suffering and pain of some kind. In the words of Nietzsche, ‘Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich starker,’ That which does not kill me, makes me stronger. And yes, I am stronger now...
14 comments to SOMETIMES, SOMEHOW, SOMEWHERE....
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Anonymous since menopause i'm always attacked with 'urinary track infection' by elcoli (?) virus, pls HELP !
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Cat-from-Sydney Aunty Paula,
Let us give you a hug...a really big hug from your family Down Under. OK OK, stop sneezing, here, take this tissue. Now swallow the Telfast tablet. Ok, we'll start the hugging all over again. Ready? Aaahh....like the massage too? And licks on the face? purrr....meow!
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Unknown Dear Nick
The knocks in the university of life give us lessons that can challenge and mould us. Indeed, God will not test us beyond what we can bear and these tests produce endurance and character to help us walk this journey of length with our heads held high. Understanding ourselves is certainly vital for knowing our position in this world in relation to God and others. As it is, I am blessed to know you and am thankful for the daily blessings and wisdom you inject into my life.
Yes, I will live life to the fullest and I am sure you are too!
For your sensitivity and selflessness, I just want to say a heartfelt thank you.
God bless us all and Malaysia.
Salam
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Unknown Dear Anonymous @ 7.55am
Good morning to you!
:-) Thanks for reading my post and for sharing your comment.
A year later now, this post captures the essence of the lessons I learnt and I am not suffering, not at all.
This post was written with much gratitude for all that I learnt and not in memory of suffering or to rant.
It was written to share my thoughts and to inspire others who may be in similar situations.
Sermonizing and preaching or writing didactically was not my intention at all. I am not a religious person and am least qualified to sermonize :-). Just sharing from the bottom of my heart...I hope this clears the air.
Take care and may you have a great week.
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Unknown Dear Anonymous @ 8.14am,
Good morning to you. Thanks for sharing...Most humbly, I believe that urinary tract infection has many causes. My advise is to see a doctor who can diagnose the causes the remedial steps that you can take. Do take care and stay healthy and happy.
Have a great day.
Cheers
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Unknown Hello MWS, excellent article, teaches us about how suffering can make us stronger.
Here is one poetry I plucked out. I am not sure of the author so I apologized for not being able to quote his/her name:
Sickness and sorrow
comes to us all
But through it we grow
and learn to "stand tall"
For trouble is part
and parcel of life
And no man can grow
without the struggle and strife
And the more we endure
with patience and grace
The stronger we grow
and the more we can face.
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Unknown Dear darling Cat-in-Sydney,
Thanks so much sweetie for being a real . Your big hugs squeezed out some of my fats and I am so glad for that hehe:-).
Wow- all that pampering - you are spoiling me dearie but truly, I am touched by this outpouring of love from someone who has a lot of love to give because your mama and papa are overflowing with the same :-).
Hey - your tissues are heavy duty and tablet power-packed. More importantly, your showers of love are the best!!!
Thanks so much for blessing me everyday with your wit, humor and friendship.
Take care and here are big bear hugs for you and yours....
Purrrfffffffffeeeeecttt!!!
Hugs and much love,
paula
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Unknown Dear Arthur
Good afternoon to you! Thanks for the validating comment. My apologies for this late response. It's my son's music exam in a short while and I am all nerves while he is Mr. Cool personified.
It is so sweet of you to share that poem. Thanks a lot.
Take care and have a nice day!
Cheers
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Murali You are an intricate part of this world Paula, of my world too. I am truly blessed to have a friend like you..
Your experiences, trials and tribulations, your emotions, your burning passions and eccentricities..they make you who you are, someone so very special.
God bless you always dear friend..
Mumu
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edward Dear Paula,
Many a time when I commented in your blog you would write back and said how open I am in sharing. This time its my turn to tell you I have not seen a more open and transparent sharing in a long while. Sometimes the heart just wants to cry out and I am happy for you that you have found that to be so meaningful to you.
You had revealed a great part of yourself that many would have dug deep and hidden them so as not to show their weaknesses, fears and insecurity. I do not know what it was that had caused you so much anxiety, hurt and emotional turmoil....things that got to you. Whatever it is I can see that you are slowly but surely coming out from the shadows into the refreshing vitality of the sunshine.
For me, to be open means I am really in touch with my feelings and my psyche. I am living at the present fully aware of what my senses tell me. I am aware that I am created in the image of God and whatever responses I have towards life situations must be tinged with love, kindness and understanding. Of course its easier said than done and at times it can be a struggle. When I am in touch with reality only then will I be able to find the right response to face it. If I cant find it by myself I will ask for divine help.
Life can be harsh and cruel. You get hit sometimes and when you are down you may get hit a second time. Some called it a double whammy. We just need to get up and take that tiny step and continue our journey praying that God will bring us the strength to make another step and another. There is really no other way because to wallow in our sorrow will forever confine us in a deep abyss with no way of escaping.
I am inspired by what you wrote in the 2nd last paragraph and the many quotations you shared. I am sure many others will too. Last year I read a book that really inspired me. The title is "Catching Daylight" by the late Eugene O Kelly. If you have a chance do read it please do. If you can't locate it let me know and I will send you my copy. It will inspire you on how to live a meaningful life. Take care and God bless.
Warm regards,
Edward
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Unknown My dearest Murali,
Like what I told you before, I am blessed to get to know you via this blog and am truly blessed to call you not just friend, but a good friend of the family cos my hubby and son love you too!!!
And you are indeed a part of the intricate cycle of life and web of friendship...
Thanks for the validating statements..I am deeply touched and also deeply humored heheheh cos of the 'burning passions' and 'eccentricities' LOL!!!
You know very well what are my burning passions all in the name of muruku and my eccentricities which challenge your patience and extend your boundaries of tolerance. Thanks for coping with these and for my being late for dinner engagements because it is too difficult for me to tear myself away from my laptop. Thanks my dear Mumu for your patience with my bad habit of checking on my blog when my family and I are with you for makan-makan and gelak-gelak sessions.
I think you are also MEGA special and may God bless you too in every area of your life.
Catch up soon but not at any contemporary opera LOL!!!
hugs and cheers
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Unknown Dear Edward,
Honestly, I appreciate all the comments you have shared with us in my blog, especially this one which has shown me that I have not been wrong to conclude that you are a very deep, sensitive and real person.
You are right in that I took a bold step in revealing that part of me which has gone through the recovery process of a traumatic episode in my life. And I am basking in the sunshine, the rays that come shining through the barren branches of a tree that shed its leaves in autumn to prepare for winter.
Being the arty-farty creative type, I am always trying to be in touch with the inner me, the real me.
Sometimes I wonder why life serves us double whammy or even a triple but I have learnt not to sweat over the small things and to derive the most from the journey of life, making milestones along the way.
I hear you loud and clear re the pity party cos I hosted far too many in the past and have closed shop and closed that chapter of my life too :-).
Thanks for sharing the title of that book...I will certainly look for it.
Could you please leave me your email address in the comment form(which will not be published - comment moderation is always activated) so that I can get in touch with you and explain the missing parts of this post? Thanks.
Do take care and know that my heart is filled with deep appreciation to you because you never fail to share very deep and meaningful nuggets of wisdom with us each time you leave a comment here.
May God bless and keep you and yours safely always.
Warmest wishes
Paula
nick Hi Sis,
GOD is with you, Sis. Be sure that only those who are in HIS thoughts are given trials and tribulation. Only through trials and tribulation do we know and understand ourselves. Thoroughly knowing and understanding ourselves is the first step in truly knowing HIS divinity.
In other word you're are among those graced by his blessing. Live life to the fullest, Sis.
GOD bless us all.
Hamba.