masterwordsmith-unplugged

At St. Mary’s Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’ve a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Roma for the 25th anniversary!’ (Dear reader, For more laughs, do read this part with an Italian accent.)

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, ‘I’m agonna go get her.’

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How To Cure Snoring

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Fred, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Fred and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Fred snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing — hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Fred shakes the roof with his snoring. I couldn’t sleep. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Jim’s turn. Jim was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it. They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Fred into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.

Fred sat up and watched me all night.”

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OJ Simpson in Heaven

One day, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. ‘I Don’t know what to do here,’ says the devil.

‘You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as

Bad as you.

I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.. I’ll even Let YOU decide who leaves.’

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to

The first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, And surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and Surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

‘No,’ OJ said. ‘I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t Think I could do that all day long.’ The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of huge ice Blocks, left over from the ice age of 2015. All he did was swing that Sledge, time after time after time.

OJ replied: ‘No, this is no good; “I’ve got this problem with my Shoulder…. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break ice All day,’ commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying On the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a Spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, ‘Yeah man, I Can handle this.’ The devil smiled and said . . . . ..

” OK, Monica, you’re free to go!!!!

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His & Hers - What's the difference?

Thingy.

Female: Any part under a car's hood.
His: The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

Vulnerable

Female: Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to an other.
His: Playing football without a cup.

Communication

Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
His: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

Commitment

Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
His: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

Entertainment

Female: A good movie,concert,play or book.
His: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

Flatulence

Female: An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
His: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

Making love

Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
His: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

Remote control

Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
His: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

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Women Are Just Smarter (posted just for laughs and not to offend any guy reading this)

THE WAY TO CHANGE YOUR OIL

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change: $20
Coffee: $1
Total: $21
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Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20,drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8 ) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50
DUI: $2500
Impound fee: $75
Bail: $1500
Beer: $20
Total: $4,145
But you know the job was done right!

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Thanks for reading! Keep smiling, be happy and have a nice day!