masterwordsmith-unplugged

I am sure many of us are still away from work and in a very relaxed mood. Here is a selection of jokes that I hope will keep you bright and happy for the last Monday of 2009. If you are working today while many of your colleagues are away, God bless you as you hold up the fort! As for the rest who are on holiday here and there, stay safe and happy! Have a lovely day!

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It was a bitterly cold day on the golf course and the caddy was expecting a large tip from his rich Scottish client. As they neared the clubhouse, the caddy heard the words he was longing to hear, 'This is for a hot glass of whisky.' He held out his hand and a sugar cube was placed in it.

An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman

'Where are you from, pal?' asked the Scotsman, after they'd chatted for a while. 'I'm from the finest country in the whole wide world,' said the American.

'Are you?' said the other. 'You have a very funny accent for a Scotsman.'

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Some say the old ones are best. You can make up your own mind with these short clean Scottish jokes

* What do you call the Scottish dentist? .............Phil McCavity.
* Ever heard about the Scotsman who washed his kilt? He couldn't do a fling with it.
* Hear about the skeleton that wore a kilt? It was Boney Prince Charlie.
* How do you know if a Scotsman is left-handed?
He keeps all his money in his right-hand pocket.
* How do you get a Scotsman to climb onto the roof of his home? Tell him that the drinks are on the house.
* A Scotsman went to England for the weekend. He took a clean shirt and a twenty pound note with him. When he arrived home he hadn't changed either of them.
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And here's something to get us into the New Year mood....

New Year's Eve Party - Phantom Guest?

Trevor's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face. 'You know,' he confided to Trevor, 'I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my drive.' He continued, 'My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.'
New Year's Day Party - That Never Was?
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As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Nigel, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Nigel ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Nigel. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Nigel told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'
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A Bad Dream?

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.

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