masterwordsmith-unplugged

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman in the corner and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns squeezes out a fart......"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"

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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to order an enormous breakfast.

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride, "Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like a million and you look like two cents.What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was talking about money!"

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An 85 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. After examining him, the doctor proclaims him in excellent health for his age.

The man says, "Hey Doc, I need to ask you a question. When I was 25, I would wake up with a hard on like a steel pipe - I couldn't turn that thing with both hands!"

"Yes", said the doctor, "That is normal for that age."

"And," said the old guy, "When I was 50, I could turn it with one hand."

"Yes, that happens." said the doctor.

"Now", said the old guy, "I can bend it with one finger!"

"That's normal for your age." replied the doc.

"But Doc", said the old fellow, "When am I going to stop getting stronger?"

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70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.

Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That damn old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

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A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out.

He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."

Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home.

Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.

Then he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.

Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.

As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"

"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"

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A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

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Specially for Cat-in-Sydney

"The cat could well be man's best friend, but would never stoop to admitting to it." - Anon

*However, I know Angelina and Brad make the best friends for their mama and papa!
Cheers
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Have a nice day folks and keep smiling!!!