masterwordsmith-unplugged

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal. The Teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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Symptoms and prognosis:

1. Skippy heartbeat when you think of him/her.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Ventricular fibrillation and Myocardial Infarction.

2. Restless trembling of hands, feet and other body parts.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Parkinson's Disease

3. Constant smiling.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Bell's Palsy

4. Absent mindedness, inability to focus on tasks at work or at home.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Early Onset of Alzheimer's Disease

5. Weakening of knees and bursts of energy when she calls or comes over.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Multiple Sclerosis

6. Inability to stop thinking about her.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

7. Bruising on neck and other tender areas.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Leukemia

8. Insomnia.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia

9. Feeling that you can smell/hear/feel her when not in her presence.
Symptoms then: Love
Prognosis now: Schizophrenia

Sigh..........how life has changed!!!

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30...'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your shirt. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are...'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her..

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one, gently pinches them.
He pushes them together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
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Snowman jokes

What happened when the snowgirl fell out with the snowboy ?
She gave him the cold shoulder !

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice caps !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers !

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs !

How do snowmen travel around ?
By iceicle !

What sort of ball doesn't bounce ?
A snowball !

How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ?
You wake up wet !

What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ?
Frost bite !

How do you call an Eskimo cow ?
An Eskimoo !
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The next socio-political post should be up early this evening. Do swing by again. Thanks. Have a nice day.