masterwordsmith-unplugged

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

All of us seem to have a craving for power. We are driven to get control over the situations we find ourselves in, and mostly, of our partner.

If she would only do what we want her to do, if he would only do what I need him to do, then life would be better.

While in some ways, these things might be true. Often how we go about getting what we want turns into attempts to get power and control over our partner. This of course, happens when we ourselves feel powerless.

When we feel powerless we feel overwhelmed, out of control and helpless. It’s unbearable. So, we try desperately to regain a sense of control.

Some of us do it by puffing ourselves up as big as possible, yelling, screaming, intimidating with our full force. (If we are physically large it’s easier to pull this one off).

We can do it by throwing out intimidating words if we are smart or college educated (women have an advantage here, having more command, generally speaking, over language than men).
If we are charming we can do it with our manipulative pleasing behaviors, charming our partner into doing what we want them to do.

Oh, another great one is to threaten to abandon our partner. If our partner is really attached to us, this can be very effective.

My personal favorite is to withhold information. Yes, this is a power play. I know it doesn’t seem like it on the surface, but it is a very controlling behavior. What we are doing when we withhold information is that we are controlling our partners reactions to what we are doing by not telling them. If they don’t know about it they cant get mad at us.

All of these are very effective if what you want is a partner who is controlled by you, intimidated by you, and kept at a distance.

But, if what you want is an intimate connection where you and your partner are truly partners, you have to find a different way to not feel powerless, helpless and despairing.

Most of the time when clients come into my office they are both trying to get control of their partner. It’s the only way they know to get their needs met. The good news is that there is a better way.

When we stop the controlling behaviors it can feel scary, because it feels like our only other option is to stay in the out-of-control state. Fortunately, it’s not the only option. Learning the skills of navigating an interpersonal relationship that is deeper than one based on power and control is an ongoing effort. We have to learn how to stay in the fear. We have to learn that feeling out of control is not going to kill us or make us crazy.

To simplify the process for you I am going to give you the following steps as a starting point:

1) When you feel out of control and powerless, stop and breathe before you react.

2) Look at your partner and remember that you love them and wouldn’t want them to feel
trapped and controlled.

3) If there is something that they said or did that triggered an emotion on your part, reflect back to them what you heard them telling you through their words or behavior.

4) Ask if you got that right.

5) Then let them know that what they are saying makes sense (coming from their perspective… not that they are “right”.)

6) Find something in what they said that you could relate to (Have you ever felt that way?

7) Let your partner know what you are feeling, don’t try to “save face”. If you feel ashamed, fearful, angry, hurt…whatever it is, tell them! You may think they should know, but trust me; they can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to let your partner see you cry (this goes for you guys, too).

8) If either one of you gets triggered into controlling behaviors, ask for a time out. Come back to the topic later when you are not so upset.

Life is a strange journey. Sometimes, I meet people with whom I can click in a jiffy and then in the twinkling of an eye, they disappear as though they had been a figment of my imagination leaving me reeling in shock, pinching myself to see if it was all a dream. Then there are other times when I get to know someone, get along like wildfire and then a small hiccup turns into a major bushfire that blazes into other friendships and the flame of friendship is snuffed out but I recover with good sense and much more wisdom than I had before. Whatever it is, each of them has colored my life in different ways and I have learnt precious lessons from each relationship.

Through blogging, I have met many types of people and made a few good friends along the way. I think the most important element I would look for in a friendship is sincerity, honesty, kindness, love, tolerance and consistency and not those who backbite, criticize, condemn or gossip, heaven forbid! Life is too short and I prefer to fill it with good things, positivism than negativism and other nasty elements.

Amongst the few good friends I have made since I started blogging include Antares(my mentor, buddy, moral compass etc), Angela( dearest friend), Uncle John (who is almost like my godfather !!), Walski (dear friend and IT adviser, Dr. Saravanan (buddy, medical adviser, lifter of my spirits, enourager, friend), CK Saw (dear friend who tells me my sentimentalism is beyond hope and breathes advice and wisdom into my soul with his brand of lighthearted humor) and Crankster (whom I miss dearly-hey sister where r u???) whom I have met.

Then there are other bloggers/readers whom I have never met but whom I regard as very good friends especially Pakac Luteb(who has truly been a sincere, consistent, supportive and earnest friend despite his/her anonymity. I admire his/her zeal and desire to stir the conscience of Malaysians and his diligence in his mission). Pakac Luteb is truly a constant source of wisdom and inspiration to me and his/her writing and messages give me hope that all is not lost because of a person like him/her who cares enough to do what he or she is doing so consistently with so much perseverance and undaunted enthusiasm. Thank you for being there for me and listening to my rants etc. and for breathing wisdom, stability and balance into my life and for constantly making me wake up to see reality as it is...

Of course, there is Ocho-Onda (whose identity is unknown but has been a good friend/blog reader/blogger who is another sincere, earnest, energetic and wise character who leaves many thought provoking comments), Gobloking (who is like the sister I never had), MarGeeMar (comrade, prayer warrior, friend and encourager even though I know not his/her identity), Chahya, Kak Teh, Kak Ezza, Walt, Romerz, Tony and others as well. Indeed I have been greatly blessed by these people and even you, dear reader whom I know visits my blog regularly/frequently but whose identity I do not know.

Tony, who hails from England, lives in Scotland and is married to beautiful Ema and they have an adorable 2-year old girl named Erin. From the first day that Tony wrote to me, a strong camaraderie was developed and I truly appreciate the very deep, mature and thought provoking mails he always sends to me. Indeed, his emails have been a source of strength and inspiration for me and I have invited him many times to write for the blog but he never responded. One day, it occurred to me to ask him for permission to reproduce parts of his emails that could inspire other readers the way it has inspired me and in his last email to me, Tony finally agreed!!! Thanks!!!

So dear reader, the following is an email from Tony which I am reproducing with his permission...Please leave a comment if you like. If you would like to email me, my email address is cocklesofmyheart@gmail.com. I would love to hear from you dear reader. Thanks and have a lovely weekend!
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Hi Paula,

The subject of Education - very tricky.

On reflection I suppose I should divide my education into so many stages of development.Obviously my early days(infant, junior,and senior school) were state sponsored whereby my education was to a fixed curriculum and my progress was monitored by examinations at ages 11, 13 and 16.

At 11 years of age, a very important stage was reached as the results of the 11+ examination determined the academic standard of school you would be attending i.e. a"secondary modern" or a"grammar school" - the latter was the aspiration of most but achieved by only a small percentage. It was supposed that entry to grammar school would portend a professional career...doctor,lawyer or the civil service etc and that the secondary modern would offer education for those that were deemed to only have the intelligence to become "tradesmen. I failed the 11+ with ease and was then streamed into what my father called the "cannon fodder brigade" -children of a certain class that would become either artisans or join the military -so at the tender age of 11 my fate was already sealed.

At 13 I had another chance to improve my lot but as the standard of education,at the secondary school I attended, was sadly lacking in developing a thirst for knowledge I managed to fail this next level examination magnificently. I was doomed.

I plodded on,not really interested in my education as I had already been written off at 11 and 13,until at the age of 16 I suddenly developed an interest in all things mechanical -could engineering be my savior -we would see -I enrolled at the local technical college on a 2 year basic engineering course.

The very first day of the course was a revelation-on reading the prospectus I discovered that we were expected to attend sessions devoted to mathematics and English -why does an engineer need those subjects I,naively, asked my self -well -- over the subsequent few days my question would be answered -and,unbelievably - I fully understood and kicked myself for being so stupid and realised,in those early days, that an open mind that can analyse the stated facts and give,in writing, a clear and concise opinion was foremost in understanding a fundamental problem and and having the ability to communicate the solution to interested parties.It was also abundantly clear to me that I was deficient in my grasp of the English language and so I embarked on a voyage of discovery into the world of literature -English literature -and what a world was opened up for me to explore-in between my engineering studies I devoured all that the college library could offer -Dickens,Pepys,Elliot.T.E.Lawrence( Seven pillars of wisdom-a firm favourite) and of course The Bard.

I completed the course with honours -now to further expand my knowledge -I had my foot on the first wrung of the ladder -which direction should I follow -which fork in the road should I choose -believe it or not.....I choose the Military...don't ask me why....I was 18.....I was a greenhorn...I knew nothing of life...and,oh boy,was that about to change.

My basic training was completed at Catterick Camp - a cold,desolate,ball-busting place where I,and all the other recruits, were screamed and yelled at,marched until feet bled, from 6-00am until , collapsed from shear fatigue,lights out at 9-00pm.It was 6 weeks of hell -but the Tony that emerged from those 42 days was a honed,slim-hipped,barrel-chested,six foot tall,member of Her Majesty,s armed forces.

In those very short 42 days I had learned more about myself than in the previous 18 years,I had learnt the merits of discipline,the true meaning of the word "comradeship" but most of all I had self-respect and a healthy respect and regard for the officers and men of my regiment -I had (and still have)regimental pride-there was no prouder a soldier at our passing out parade than me.Now I was a member of R.E.M.E.- The Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers -Our motto..Arte et Marte....By skill and By Fight -the reeeemeee was now my family -I was nurtured,I was fed,I was housed and I was taught the skills of an army engineer and I was also taught the skills of a soldier -both these skills were to stand me in good stead in the coming years(and still do).

After a year at our base near Reading in Berkshire I was transferred to Germany for a few months then on to sunny Cyprus -Ah Cyprus -on my second day stationed there part of the local populace decided that the welcome extended to myself ,and my comrades in arms, by our new sergeant major was not as deservedly warm as they wished it to be... so they threw grenades at us and ran away.This was my first experience of somebody trying to kill me -and it was not to be the last.

Education - - don't you just love it.

To be Continued -maybe!


Tony.

Books. I live to read and read to live. It's the same with my younger boy :-). For once in my life, I was actually fighting with him over one book - "The Tale of Despereaux" written by Kate di Camillo, one of his favorite authors whose books have all won awards.

He has read "Because of Winn-Dixie" (and both of us cried our eyes out while watching the movie version of this heart-wrenching doggy tale) and the achingly beautiful "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Toulane". Currently, he is bugging me to find and buy "The Tiger Rising" to complete his Kate di Camillo collection.

Just yesterday, my boy begged me to get the movie version of "The Tale of Despereaux" to which I responded with a firm "I will only get it for you AFTER you have read the book". His response was "Mom, I HAVE finished reading the book."

Me - stunned. ????? I just got him the book two Saturdays ago and last week was his school exam so how on earth.......?

With a sneaky smile, he said, "I was reading and studying at the same time - except that it was both that book and my school books that had my attention :-)".

With that, I bought it for him as a reward for his brilliant results. End of story. Or so I thought!!!

While he hurried off to watch the movie in the comfort of my room, I hurried to get the novel. What captivated my boy for him to devour this story in less than a week even though he had to revise for his exams and to cope with his many musical practices?

As soon as I started reading the book, I was totally enthralled with this delightful tale that is written so elegantly, almost exquisitely by Kate di Camillo. I disregarded my boy's stifled laughter when he saw me reading a kiddy's fantasy book and was completely lost in this tale.

The Tale of Despereaux is told in four separate stories called "books". Book the First tells of Despereaux's beginning, Book the Second tells of Chiaroscuro, and Book the Third is about Miggory Sow. All the characters are brought together in Book the Fourth. I won't say much more lest I rob you of the joy of reading this wonderful fantasy tale of a mouse with big ears. She only wrote this book because her best friend's son, Luke, asked her to write a story about an unlikely hero and she finished the book three years later.

If you have children and if you are still a sentimental dreamer like me, you MUST get your hands on this book available from MPH at 39.90RM. Believe me - it is such a beautiful tale that you and your whole family will be completely enthralled!!

The book has been adapted into the CGI animated film The Tale of Despereaux. Released on December 19, 2008, the film features the voices of Matthew Broderick as Despereaux, Emma Watson as Princess Pea, Dustin Hoffman as Roscuro, and Tracey Ullman as Mig. Video games based on the film were released for Playstation 2, Nintendo Wii, and Nintendo DS, and PC formats. Several short movie-based picture-books, including Hero's Quest, The Princess and The Mouse, and No Ordinary Mouse have also been released.

Please click here for a synopsis of the book.

Here's a review of the book taken from here:

Forgiveness, light, love, and soup. These essential ingredients combine into a tale that is as soul stirring as it is delicious. Despereaux, a tiny mouse with huge ears, is the bane of his family's existence. He has fallen in love with the young princess who lives in the castle where he resides and, having read of knights and their ladies, vows to "honor her." But his unmouselike behavior gets him banished to the dungeon, where a swarm of rats kill whoever falls into their clutches. Another story strand revolves around Miggery, traded into service by her father, who got a tablecloth in return. Mig's desire to be a princess, a rat's yen for soup (a food banished from the kingdom after a rat fell in a bowl and killed the queen), and Despereaux's quest to save his princess after she is kidnapped climax in a classic fairy tale, rich and satisfying. Part of the charm comes from DiCamillo's deceptively simple style and short chapters in which the author addresses the reader: "Do you think rats do not have hearts? Wrong. All living things have a heart." And as with the best stories, there are important messages tucked in here and there, so subtly that children who are carried away by the words won't realize they have been uplifted until much later. Ering's soft pencil illustrations reflect the story's charm. —Ilene Cooper, Booklist

I hope you and your kids will have a wonderful time reading this book and then watching the movie :-).

Have a lovely weekend, dear reader!

Stress Relief Tip 1: Do one thing at a time.

Do it mindfully. Do it well. Enjoy the satisfaction. Then go on to the next thing. Multitasking might work for computers, but humans have yet to get the hang of it. It leads to careless mistakes, shoddy work and unreliable performance. Worst of all, having to do things over. This is no way to live. Give what you're doing your undivided attention. Take the time to get it right. And enjoy the experience.


Stress Relief Tip 2: Cut down on competitive stress.

Today, we compete for everything: the space around us, to be first to own a new product, to get our kids signed up for programs, to get our viewpoints across, to be faster, smarter, richer, sexier. Our days are filled with stressful competitions. And most are absolutely unnecessary. Because they're driven by insecurity, fear of being left behind, an ingrained need to always have more or better than the next guy. Try to get above all that. If you want to compete, vie to be the one who stays calm and in control, who isn't easily sucked in by material things, who avoids being caught up in the daily grab-bag that robs people of health and peace of mind. Compete for that and see how pointless all those other competitions become. And how misguided those who partake in them begin to appear.

Stress Relief Tip 3: Throw something out every day.

You've got too much stuff in your house. Office. Garage. Attic. Useless clutter that's weighing you down, getting in the way, obscuring the things you really need. Be realistic. If you're not going to use it, lose it. And you don't have to make a humongous project out of it. Every day, find one thing you don't need and toss it. Or give it away. Over time, the clutter will begin to vanish and space and order will magically appear in your home...and your life.


Stress Relief Tip 4: Eliminate meaningless deadlines.

Our life is full of them. Arbitrary and unrealistic time constraints imposed by ourselves and others that serve only to make us more pressured, anxious, stressed out. For no worthwhile reason. Avoid the trap of assigning time frames to everything you do, especially if you have little idea how long it will take. Instead, make your goal one of completing a project in a careful, profession- al, satisfying manner. In other words, as long as it takes to do it right. Save your nerves, and your energy, for the few real deadlines we face...like April 15th.


Stress Relief Tip 5: Get more out of life by doing less.

What a concept! Is your life fulfilling? Or is it merely crammed? Know the difference and you'll realize it's not the quantity of activities you engage in (or possessions you collect) that ultimately determine your happiness. One naturally unfolding, enriching experience can easily surpasses many rushed and distracted ones. But you may be so chronically overscheduled, you never give yourself a chance to enjoy anything to the fullest. Experiment. Choose an occasion and give it your complete, mindful and unhurried attention. Then imagine an entire life of such enrichment. It's absolutely attainable.