Do you find that a lot of your negative thoughts begin with the words “What-if?” Does one anxious thought lead to another and another - only to become a negative spiral of worry? When this happens, you’re probably using what-if thinking. WHAT IS “WHAT-IF” THINKING? What-if thinking occurs when you make negative predictions about the future, usually starting with the words “What if?” Most of us can relate to this situation of what-if thinking.
Imagine you are running a few minutes late to work. The first thought that pops into your head is: “What if I’m late for my nine o’ clock meeting?” But your thoughts don’t stop there. Your negative thoughts start snowballing. “What if I walk in late and everyone looks at me? What if I get nervous, start sweating, and feel embarrassed? What if my boss notices I can’t handle it and I lose my job? What if I can’t afford to feed my family?” Your body responds with a host of symptoms - your heart races, it’s tough to breathe, and there’s a huge knot in your stomach.
Personally, I realize that when we use what-if thinking, one negative prediction usually leads to another, and another, and another. This negative chain has a snowball effect that leads to intense feelings of anxiety, loss of control, and physical symptoms.
Sigh. I experienced it so often when I was young and now that I am much older, I hear a lot of ‘what if’ statements from younger friends (not that I am an ageist).
WHAT YOU CAN DO
I strongly believe that all of us have the power to change our thoughts. When we change our thoughts, it will affect how our body and mind feel and react and that will change our reality!
So how can we do that? Remember the 3Rs.
1) RECOGNIZE.
Keep a small notepad with you. Each time you notice yourself thinking a what-if thought, write it down. Writing things down helps you to slow down and expose habitual negative thoughts to the light of day. If you don’t take the time to write down your what-if thoughts, it’s easy to miss them because you are so used to them.
The Onion Analogy
One of the things that I hate most when cooking is peeling onions. When doing that arduous task, I always think of lessons that I can learn from that ordeal just so to distract myself from the pain in my eyes. Here’s one of them.
Just as we peel the skin off onions, we should peel off layer after layer of negative thoughts and reach the core negative belief.
Here’s how it works.
When you are in a fairly relaxed mood, take out your notepad and open it up to the first what-if thought. Read the thought and then ask yourself: “And what if that did happen? Then what would happen?” Write down your answer. Repeat this process of digging deeper several times, each time asking “And what if that did happen? Then what would happen?” and writing down your answer. After several layers you will reach your core belief - the belief that is at the root of your fears.
In our working life, core belief could be: “If I can’t feed my family, my wife and kids will be disappointed in me. They’ll leave me and I’ll be all alone.” Our real fear - what is driving our what-if thoughts - is our fear of being rejected, unloved, and all alone if we disappoint the people we love. That’s the belief that we needs to replace in order to beat the what-if blues. Our worry about arriving a few minutes late to the meeting will fade once we address this core issue.
2) REPLACE.
Once you’ve pinpointed the core negative belief, decide what your new belief will be. Adjust the old belief so that it promotes your well being and reflects the reality you want to create. When creating your new belief, make sure to: — use the present tense — use “I statements” — focus on what you want (not what you don’t want).
“I am worthy of love, even when I disappoint others.” — “I am loved for who I am, not how much I earn. I love my family and we will get through life’s challenges together.” — “Since I am human, I will disappoint the people I love occasionally. I can be imperfect and still receive love.” When you notice yourself using a what-if thought, stop it in its tracks.
3) REINFORCE.
Once you have chosen your new belief, reinforce it several times a day. Say the new belief with feeling. Believe that it is true, even if only for a moment. Think it. Say it aloud. Write it down. Just like any other habit, the more you practice, the sooner it will become second nature to you. Making the new belief a part of your life takes time and consistent practice, but the results are worth it. You chase away the what-if blues and the physical symptoms that go along with it. And even better, you change the way you look at life!
What if….the only what if you should be asking is “What if I do not change my what if attitude?” so make an effort like I am doing to say “I will…or I can..” etc. to look at life and people in a more positive manner. It takes a lot of effort to let go of ‘what if’ and to grasp and cherish what we have. But sometimes, we may not want to stop asking ‘What if’ questions when we cannot let go.
But we have to. Just let it go.
Many of us want to find more passion in what we do each day. We’re no longer willing to settle for less than a totally fulfilling life, and we want this life now in the present…rather than waiting for some future date, or for retirement. I sincerely believe that those of us who feel this are ready to make some really great choices for ourselves.
Without a doubt, pursuing our passion is essential to our happiness and our success.
Passion points to what truly inspires us. It stirs our deepest values and desires. I think about how I become energetic when I’m doing something I love to do - even housework. When I start my household chores or when writing a post like this one, I become more alive and engaged, and time melts away.
To be honest, I am very passionate about my work and many other areas of my life (sometimes to my detriment I must admit but now I am able to moderate the optimum level of passion), my relationships and my whole life and in doing so, I feel happy, joyful, and fully connected to what I do each day.
The excitement, energy, and initiative passion brings is EXACTLY what we need to accomplish our biggest goals and dreams. When I was teaching and later lecturing, I used to tell my students to enjoy their homework and to be passionate about the subject matter of their essays. I would tell them, "I want to hear your voice, your real voice in your writing. Set yourself free and express what is in your heart without any desire to impress." Of course, many laughed at me but yet, a substantial number told me (years later of course) that they realized the truth of my words and how it could empower them.
If you’ve been plodding along in your life at half throttle, see what tapping into your passion does for you. It’s like opening the floodgates. I’m continually in awe of the drive and determination that arises as soon as a student focuses on a goal that’s aligned with their passion. And I am very proud of those who achieved their goals of much passion and went on to higher plains! On the other hand, there are also those who resign themselves to slothfulness and the rot worsens.
Reality check!
So, what stops us from finding and pursuing our passion?
Unfortunately, many of us have neglected or forgotten our passion by making choices in life based on what’s safe, easy, or status quo. We take a job because it pays well or the title sounds important, not because it is really what we want or are excited about. We spend what little free time we give ourselves watching TV or doing other meaningless tasks instead of actively pursuing something that really moves us.
The result? We end up feeling stifled, bored, frustrated, and drained by what we do each day. Our lives get “oomph-impaired.”
Take Action:
If you’ve lost touch with your passions, or never knew them, commit now to uncovering what makes you come alive. If you’re no stranger to passion, but would like to “kick it up a notch,” all you may need to do is slow down and evaluate what about your life keeps you excited and feeds your energy. I did and it worked wonders for me!
At one point in my life, I left a very good position because external circumstances robbed me of my passion. It was quite idealistic of me to give up so much for nothing. My colleagues then thought I was quite insane and I took one or two years to adjust to the loss in status and income.
Although I still miss the interaction at that work place very deeply, I realize that I left because I did not want to be a shell of a person going through the rigmarole of things without the passion, zeal and enthusiasm because of environmental factors. In doing so, I grew up. Yes, I did. Not easy to lay down status, prestige, a good income and other benefits and to adjust to a different life. Initially, I experienced culture shock in my next place of work and looked back with regret. But as time passed, I learnt to let go of past glories and pushed myself forward with passion to achieve even more than what I did before and in doing so, I realized my potential and enjoyed new accomplishments.
In many ways. I broadened my perspective, found within myself resilience that I never thought existed, creativity that was unleashed, courage to step forward to face new challenges, trust in God for Him to provide for my needs (and He did!) and energetic passion to work. I learnt not to limit myself to what I was used to but to see and think far out of the box and beyond my frame of reference for my experiences. The wealth of experience, relationships, ken and standards I had built over the years helped me to outclass my previous achievements until one day when I asked myself a few questions about where I was heading and again, took steps to make necessary changes in order to facilitate the next growth spurt in my life.
Once again, I asked myself many questions and as I sought the answers, I discovered new things, values and situations that inspired me and followed my dream. Now, I am most happy where I am - at home. I don't have to worry if my shoes and handbag match, or what outfit to wear, or what perfume matches my mood or which shade of lipstick is best for that day. I do not have to worry about getting a place to park or fret about worming my way through the traffic jams or attending bureacratic meetings. I set myself free and explored many possibilities and enjoyed the fulfilment of being with my boys, watching them grow, blogging, baking, reading and taking time to smell the roses.
With much humility, I would like to share with you some of those questions that I used to ask myself when I made major decisions about the direction of my life.
1) Your present life
Are you happy with the direction you are going?
What about your life right now do you love, or at least enjoy?
What do you actively dislike, and what do you merely tolerate?
What is your favorite aspect of your work, and why?
Which of your unique talents and abilities could you use more fully?
Where are you holding back?
2) Your future life:
If you could be doing anything in five years, what would it be? Think big! No limitations! I remember in 1995 a British colleague of mine Steve Fullerton asked me, "Paula,, where do you see yourself in five years time?" I was stunned. That really made me start thinking about where I was and where I should be going.
What would a typical day look like?
Would you be writing a book? (*wink wink*)
Raising thoroughbred horses?
What would really thrill you to be able to say you’ve accomplished, both personally and professionally?
And, what would make you feel like you’ve made a difference?
What do you see in your future life that may provide clues about pursuing your passion?
What’s one step you could take now–in your present life– to move you closer to what you really want?
I hope that in small ways, I have inspired you to take stock of your life to realize your dream.
Personally, I have always been a dreamer….always moving on, wanting more of myself, of life and I am not the type to want stagnation or complacency in my life. Yet, I am also not the giddy headed type of dreamer floating on candy flossed clouds. No. I am constantly looking for and creating dynamism, creativity and generating worthwhile achievements be it in my family, faith, writing, music, relationships or work because I am propelled by my dreams that I can …I will…with God’s help. I wish you all the very best in your endeavours and may God bless you with wisdom in all that you do.
In my twenty odd years of work, I realize that many people have this problem; procrastination - not acting when the time is right. I can write a booklet about the number of excuses that students have given me for not meeting deadlines. Indeed, procrastination is a self-defeating behavior. I should know because I was a terrible procrastinator when I was in school but somehow reformed myself during my varsity days.
What does procrastination do?
It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony and a nagging awareness that it is time to do the task but yet we do not want to do it but still we have to do it even though we do not want to do so.
When we put off doing something, we are not always procrastinating. Sometimes doing something too early before the time is right can as self-defeating as waiting too long. I used to be a great worrier, especially with regards to my studies. In my final year, I finished my thesis 5 months ahead of schedule and was the first to hand it up. I did very well but was it worth it? While I played squash and swam everyday in the last semester of my final year, the months before that were spent in endless worry, sleepless nights...and draft after draft of my thesis. If I could do it again, I would do it in a saner time frame and enjoy the process of learning!!!
Sometimes, procrastination can destroy a relationship if both parties in a relationship procrastinate about declaring their love or mending the relationship - all because each was waiting for the other to make a move. Delay not! Seize the day!
Even in our daily lives - we should not procrastinate because in doing so, we may be depriving ourselves from grabbing that golden opportunity staring right at us!
I believe we need to listen to ourselves. What needs to be done? Why aren’t we doing it? Are we avoiding it because we do not want to face up to something? Is there a built-up in anxiety because we are putting it off? Are we wallowing in self-pity or grief? I have long given up hosting pity parties but am learning to face problem squarely and to take the bull by its horns.
Sadly, procrastination is HIGHLY ADDICTIVE until it becomes a habitual act. I actually know of one friend who thrives and enjoys procrastinating, declaring how he gets the thrill from the adrenalin rush from rushing to meet deadlines! But at the end of the day, his quality of life is drastically affected.
The bottom line is being responsible, loving ourselves, learning to be in harmony with our own schedules and not to push ourselves to limits of last minute work which only spells mediocrity and indifference to utilizing and maximizing our talents and potential.
So, if there's something that needs to be done, let’s just do what we have to do and enjoy it!
Have a nice day!
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jump lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after! a serious accident. He shouted "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot! most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. Finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that! at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
:-)
* Definition of pun taken from here.
–noun
| 1. | the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words. |
| 2. | the word or phrase used in this way. |
Isn't it ironical that even though we can control the temperature of our oven or dim our lights in the sitting room for a more romantic ambiance, we cannot control the course of events in our lives no matter how hard we try?
A family member dies. A close friend moves away. The government imposes a new law. One loses his job ....etc. In such situations, despair can set in when we feel that there is simply nothing we can do to make things better and there is no way we can change the motion of events. Fate calls the shots.
Things come to a head when even though we adopt a new approach or try our level best, nothing ever seems to work.
Then we try and we try to reach our goal until we fear trying again.
But why? Why don't we persist?
It is because we are afraid of being hurt. Being disappointed. The sirens ring in our head and then we escape to avoid pain. After a few rounds of disappointment, one may reach indifference and stop crying. Feelings disappear as one numbs himself/herself in denial or suppressed emotions.
Would it be wrong to say we actually lull our minds to believe that we are helpless?
We must not do that. We are NOT helpless and we can make things happen. All we need is a change in our perception of ourselves, people and situations and also change our ineffective actions to efficient ones.
Thomas Edison once said, 'I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward.'
No surprise then that he succeeded in developing many devices that greatly influenced people all over the world. In fact, Edison is considered the most prolific inventors in history holding 1093 U.S. patents to his name and many others in United Kingdom, France and Germany.
Thus for a start, we must get rid of the belief that we are hopeless and cannot do anything.
I hold one basic maxim now which is in direct opposition to my previous maxim.
In the past, I used to look back and regret. Now, I reinforce the principle that my past does not equal my future.
What matters is not yesterday but what I can do now. I now focus on what I can do today to make things better.....instead of fretting about why is it so bad.
Persistence. I have learnt to decide on what is most important to me and to make myself better even when things don't look as if they are falling into place. I remind myself that my time on earth is not permanent. And that bad times will pass. And to overcome, I must not think that there is no solution. Neither are there failures unless we groom ourselves in that direction.
Problems and circumstances must never get in the way....
Success can be obtained from good judgement which is the result of experience, which ironically, is often the result of bad judgement.
Thus for the turn around in life....strive to make things better by learning from our mistakes and then we can succeed in what we want to do. It is our decisions and not the conditions of our lives that determine our destiny. Turn around now. Me - I am still turning....
