masterwordsmith-unplugged

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth.

In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.

He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"

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The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my privates!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

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Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back early in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."

So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim just suffocated in that plastic bag."

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Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

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The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...

"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the
line so that we can trace your call.

If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which
number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer anyways.

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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

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Have a lovely evening!

When I started blogging in mid-May 2008, I chose the nom de plume masterwordsmith because of a few reasons.

Firstly, I wanted to choose the name 'wordsmith' but it reminded me so much of blacksmith so I dropped that option. Secondly, I did think of 'miss wordsmith' but it could also mean that I misspell words :-) or forget to include words or any other negative connotation. Next was the 'mistress wordsmith' which did not sound quite moral :-) as it could me I was the mistress of a wordsmith :-). Madam Wordsmith gave the impression of a grim, austere, matronly old lady which I am not (yet!!!) so I decided on masterwordsmith. Another reason was to give the impression that I am 'male' for my personal safety.

During those early blogging days, time was spent changing templates every three weeks. I think some readers must have thought I was into feng hsui because of the many changes from two column to three column and once I even had a four-column template.

So my nom de plume can tell you that I love words. Words are powerful because they shape our thoughts, determine our actions, and chart the course of our lives. Positive words give hope and encouragement or negative utterances that steal our joy and confidence.

Wherever we are in our lives, personal relationships, or careers, the words we use consistently are partly responsible for whatever happens in our communication process. As such, we must be more aware of our words, and when needed, to change them so that we can begin to get the results we really desire.

In the course of my teaching career, there are a couple of words that stand out because students tend to be confused about when and how to use them. This morning, I just want to discuss these words from a different angle and would encourage you NOT to use them.

1. Maybe: This word indicates indecision,doubt,or uncertainty as to a course of
action. For example, "Maybe I'd better wait to..."Use it less often to develop self-confidence. Use "I will" or " I will not" instead of maybe to emit feelings of confidence and resolve which are so vitalto our personal well-being.

2. But: When we use this word as a conjunction,"but" negates whatever statement that precedes it." I want to study medicine, but it wlll take a lot of hard work." Such a sentence zeroes in on the hard word involved but what we should do is to replace it with 'and'. Then, the effect will be quite different.

3. Should: Any statement that uses the word "should" generally elicits guilt. "I should go to the gym," makes you feel guilty for not going. "I choose to go to the gym,or I choose not to go to the
gym today' gives a new dimension to the meaning.

4. Can't: I don't like to use this one because it connotates countless hopes and dreams lying dormant on the 'drawing boards' of our lives. To achieve a significant positive change
in our life, I believe that we should eliminate our use of this word.

5. Soon or Later: Both are indefinite references to time.They are also non-commital.They should be replaced with a definite time and date. When someone tells you he or she is going to do something "soon" or "later, "there is no way to determine when "whatever it is" will get done. Imagine what could happen to deadlines and your integrity when these words are used
frequently.

6. Someday: Someday, like "soon or later", is much too indefinite,and when it is used, it shows the same lack of commitment.Replace "someday" with a specific date and time.

7. Never: This word is absolute,and there are only limited situations when "never" is absolutely true. The use of this word, in my opinion, suggests a closed mind, which seriously hinders our self-growth efforts. Replace it with a non-absolute term.

8. Won't: The word "won't" implies an unwillingness,reluctance, or closed mindedness,and like the absolute term 'never', it is quite harmful because it closes the door on many of the actions we need to take to reach our goals.

9. If: This word that carries large doubts and uncertainties, and when used often, it gnaws away at our confidence and intended actions, two qualities which are necessary for any type of success.

10.Try or (I'll Try): Replace "I'll try," with 'I will.'

I believe that careful thought must be given to these words before we use them in our "self talk"
or in the conversations we have with others.

We must remember this: Our words affect our thoughts, our actions, our very lives, and because of their power, we must choose them with the utmost care. Thus, let's think before we speak because even if it's only words, words have many important roles when we communicate with someone else.

Have a lovely day!

It has been an evening of laughter, chatter without running helter-skelter. I had been resisting temptation since last Thursday morning when my girlfriend Suan called me to let me know that the latest Times Warehouse Book Sale was being held at D'Piazza.

Well, I finally gave in today and phoned a fellow bibliophile to accompany me. I always go for book sales with him so that we can:

a) try to recall for each other which book we had already bought in previous book sales as we usually forget to bring along our pda where we have our catalogue of books