masterwordsmith-unplugged

One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them with his mouth.

In the middle of catching a peanut, his wife asked him a question, and as he turned to answer her, the peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper into his ear.

He called his wife for assistance, and after several hours of trying to remove the peanut, they became concerned and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of their problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful!! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?!"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!!"

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The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm.

"Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my privates!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

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Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours." So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said "I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub." Joe went to he pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said "No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours." Joe left and when he came back early in 6 hours the surgeon said "I finished early, Jim's down at the soccer field." Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.
The surgeon looked at the situation and said "Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours."

So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully "I'm sorry, Jim died."

Joe said "I understand - heads are tough."

The surgeon said, "Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim just suffocated in that plastic bag."

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Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.

Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

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One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

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The telephone rings and an answering machine answers...

"Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the
line so that we can trace your call.

If your are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which
number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer anyways.

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John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

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Have a lovely evening!