CLASSIC POLITICAL HUMOR FOR A SATURDAY EVENING

Posted by Unknown On Saturday, January 9, 2010 21 comments
I know it is difficult to smile during such times. To be honest, I have been very saddened by the recent developments in my country and have not been able to sleep or eat properly. On the brighter side, I shed a pound in just one day doing nothing but blogging and grieving :-(. To cheer myself and to inject some laughter onto cyberspace, I am posting a selection of political jokes. Some of them will certainly be food for thought. The first one is specially dedicated to Nick because of all the bovine excrement that we have been witnessing lately. I have posted it previously but as always, good jokes must be shared again. Take care and have a lovely evening!

__________________________________________________

The types of cows

If a communist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government sells him some of the milk.

If a Socialist has two cows, he gives both to the government, and the government gives him some of the milk.

If a Nazi has two cows, the government shoots him, and takes both cows.

If a Capitalist has two cows, he sells one and buys a bull.

If a New dealist has two cows, he kills one, milks the other, and throws away the milk.

If a Liberalist has two cows, he sells them to the rich, then taxes them one cow and gives it to the poor.

If a Conservatist has two cows, he locks them up and charges people to look at them.

If an Atheist has two cows, he doesn't believe it.

If a Taoist has two cows, he lets them wander off.

If a Platonist has two cows, he looks for two others to milk.

If a Aristocrat has two cows, he sells them and buys one big one.

If a Pacifist has two cows, they stampede him.

If a government worker has two cows, he can't sell them, fire them, or even label them as cows.

If a Hillary Clinton has two cows, she robs the ranches and gives everyone two cows. If she doesn't have enough, she gives them bull.

____________________________________
The definition of BTU

Recent confusion about the meaning of the abbreviation BTU has lead to the creation of set definitions that may be used when discussing its meaning.

1. Big Time Unemployment
2. Buy Thermal Underwear
3. Bill's Tax Utopia
4. Being Totally Unfair

__________________________________________
What is one billion?

According to a recent government publication ...

A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.

A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
__________________________________
AN OLD PROVERB UPDATED

Classic Version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with “green bias,” and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News to tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the “Temperatures of the 80’s.”

Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act” retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday’s between 1:30 and 3pm when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in, which just happens to Be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “fairness” has dawned in America.

______________________________________
WHAT A JOB!


Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spouse abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad cheques
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shop-lifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits In 1998 alone
84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
_________________________________
WHILE OUT JOGGING ONE MORNING

One day George Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Bush.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Bush.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

_________________________________
ROAD TRIP TO OZ

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle announces: "I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."

Gingrich responds: "I'll ask him for a heart."

Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"
__________________________________

POLITICS ON THE FARM


Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

___________________________________________

Have a lovely evening!

21 comments to CLASSIC POLITICAL HUMOR FOR A SATURDAY EVENING

  1. says:

    Anonymous Dear Denim Gal,

    You want a joke?

    Here is a joke by a joker:

    http://www.themalaysianinsider.com/index.php/malaysia/49054-umno-not-a-racist-party-says-najib-

    I dunno if I should laugh or I should cry.

    Denim guy

  1. says:

    Village Boy Life is changing continuously, and so is society!
    What is important is to win through and through in such a tumultuous living through wisdom and courage.

  1. says:

    nick Dear Sis,

    Here's my take on the type of cows 1Malaysia has.;-)

    If 1malaysia has 2 cows, both cows went missing, the government says it has lost RM100 million then reduce the subsidy of sugar, increase the price of petrol, approved new toll rates and says eating too much cows is bad for Malaysian.

    Therefore 1Malaysia+0cows= lots of BE being spewed!

    Hamba.
    Have a great weekend and GOD bless Sis.

  1. says:

    Unknown Hi Denim Guy

    Sighs...Some people prefer to live in denial so let them by and we must not sweat over things that we cannot change...

    Rest well and have a great Sunday!

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear Village Boy

    During such trying times, we need more wisdom and courage lest we say or do the wrong thing and have to pay the price.

    Take care and thanks for swinging by. Have a lovely evening...

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear Nick

    I knew that you would be able to come up with a witty and cryptic version of the cows in 1Malaysia LOL!!! And you did not disappoint me at all! Thanks!

    Take care and have a lovely weekend with you and yours.

    Salam

  1. says:

    LC Teh I thought the one about 500 employees was about our govt... It sounds so familiar.

  1. says:

    Anonymous di gereja anda atau 'never on sunday'? .... bless you ! iwc

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear LC Teh

    Thanks for the follow and for your comment. I was hoping some might think along the same lines and you did! :-)

    Love your art work! Take care and have a nice day!

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear IWC

    Haiyo you are - who are you? How come you know ah...? You must be Soon Ai already!!!!

    Tell lah!!!

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous IWC sounds like Indah Water Corporation, haha!

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear Anonymous @ 11.48 a.m.

    LOL!! Aiyo - I did not think of it...I thought of Imran Wan Chik or Ian Wong Chong or Ivy Wee Chong or something like I WILL SEE...:-)

    Hopefully IWC will disclose his/her identity.

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous existing avatar ...worry NOT , i come as fren ! CHEERS ! (iwc)

  1. says:

    Anonymous btw, me ain't adam's rib ! iwc.

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear IWC

    Ok so you are not Soon Ai...then who are you???

    Uncle James?

    I don't know anybody else from Ipoh lah...

    Tell lah

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous a perpetual sinner though born again .....sorry to adulterate here ! (iwc)

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear IWC

    So who are you???Rev David????

  1. says:

    Anonymous NO, me iwc a perpetual sinner & NOT rev david , how could he be one !

  1. says:

    Unknown Rev Andrew????

    Who are you lah? Got your mail finally - thanks!

    cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous hehehe...thanks for the responses & entertainment , NO offence pls !

  1. says:

    Unknown No offense meant or taken! Take care!

Related Posts with Thumbnails
.