masterwordsmith-unplugged

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn`t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That`s all fine,” said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions. Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked,"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"

"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
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Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager`s office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years` experience. Now we discover this is the first job you`ve ever had."
"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
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A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn`t help noticing how you chain smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That`s over six thousand packs. If you didn`t smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."
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Teacher: Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon ?
Pupil: The moon.
Teacher: Why ?
Pupil: The moon gives us light when we need it, but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don9t need it.
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An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

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The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I m here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I m here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily, "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."
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"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
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Three Engineers and three Accountants are going on a business trip by train. At the train station, the 3 accountants are ordering 3 tickets while the engineers are only ordering one ticket.

The accountants ask "Why only one ticket ?", the engineers reply that they have a scheme to save money.

So they all board the train and upon departure, the 3 engineers get into one bathroom. When the Train Controller checks for tickets, he takes the three tickets from the seated accountants and then knocks on the bathroom door asking "Ticket please" - the door opens slightly with a hand giving him one ticket. A couple of minutes later, the engineers come out of the bathroom and sit in empty seats making fun of the accountants.

On the way back, not wanting to be outsmarted, the accountants buy one ticket only but they notice that the engineers do not buy any, so they ask "You think you can ride free now?" - the engineers reply that they now have an even better scheme to save money.

So they all board the train and upon departure, the 3 accountants get into one bathroom and they see the 3 engineers all getting into the other one. Shortly after departure, one of the engineer gets out of its bathroom and knocks on the accountants bathroom door saying "Ticket please"

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
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Two friends from the old country, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white pillared mansion in Miami Beach.

The first woman says, "When my first child was born, my husband built me this beautiful mansion."

The second woman says, "Fantastic."
The first woman continues, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a brand new Cadillac."

Again, the second woman says, "Fantastic."

The first woman boasts, "When my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the second woman comments, "Fantastic."

The first woman then asks her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The 2nd woman replies, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cries, "What for?"

"So instead of saying `Who cares`, I learned to say, `Fantastic!`"

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The moment a man entered his office his boss asked "Do you believe in re-birth".
The man answers "Yes"
The boss responds "Then, it s okay because your grandfather had come here after you left for his funeral"
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Here's a very touching one....

In the day when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice ream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied."

The little boy again counted his coins. I will have the plain ice cream," he said.
Waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies - you see, he couldn t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip
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Have a nice day!