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Two morons were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The one with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch his breath, and the other said, anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
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Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first moron said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued , and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Tell-tale Signs of a Loser
* He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
* If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
* She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
* She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husbands parents'.
* He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
* He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
* If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
* He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
* Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
* His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
* She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
* He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
* She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
* She has delusions of adequacy.
Ways You Can Tell You Are A Sad Sack
* You get fired from your job at McDonalds.
* You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
* Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
* Your mom still pick your clothes out for you.
* You pick your nose and don't care who sees you.
* You are over 30 and still living with your parents.
* You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
* You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
* You remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.
* You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900."
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* How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone!
* Why can't a moron dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!
* Why did the moron climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side!
* Why was the moron hitting his head against the wall?
Because it felt so good when he stopped !
* Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left"!
* What do you call 12 morons at the bottom of a pool?
An air pocket!
* How do you drown a moron?
Put scratch-n-sniff stickers at the bottom of the pool!
* How did the moron try to kill a fish?
He tried to drown it!
* Why did the moron drive his truck off the bridge?
He wanted to check his airbrakes!
* Why did the moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
* How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3...one to hold the bulb, and 2 to turn the chair!
* Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton said Concentrate!
* Why did the moron open the refrigerator door?
He wanted to see the salad dressing!
* What did the moron say when her husband called her on her cell phone?
How did you know I was at Wal Mart?
* What did the moron say when he put a quarter in the parking meter?
Hey! Where is my gumball!
* How do you know when a moron has been making chocolate chip cookies?
There are M&M shells on the floor!
* What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back!
* Did you hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night!
* How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner!
* If a moron & an idiot fell off a building, who would land first?
The idiot...the moron would stop and ask for directions!
* How can you tell when a moron has been using the computer?
There is white-out all over the screen!
* What did the moron say when he saw Cheerios?
Oh Look, Doughnut seeds!
* How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
* How did the moron break his arm while raking leaves?
He fell out of the tree!
* How do you get a moron out of a tree?
Wave at him!
* Why can't a moron make Kool-aid?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water into that little pack!
* Did you hear what happened to the moron ice hockey team?
They drowned in Spring training.
* Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
* Why did the moron scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
* Why did the moron stare at frozen orange juice?
Because it said 'concentrate.
* How do you make a moron laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
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Pentagon Buzz-Phrases
Essentially complete... It's half done.
We predict ... We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper... The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems... It'll take a miracle.
Basic agreement has been reached... The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified... We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review... Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time... Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analyzing the requirements... See previous answer.
Not well understood... Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention... Totally out of control!
Results are promising... Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time.
Anonymous What great jokes!
I just love reading them, again and again!