THE REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Posted by Unknown On Saturday, March 27, 2010 7 comments
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so . .... ." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time", says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes".

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:

"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

We're not talking about different wave lengths here. We're talking about different planets, in completely different solar systems. Elaine cannot communicate meaningfully with Roger about their relationship any more than she can meaningfully play chess with a duck. Because the sum total of Roger's thinking on this particular topic is as follows: Huh?

But the point I'm trying to make is that, if you're a woman, and you want to have a successful relationship with a guy, the Number one tip to remember is: Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. The guy will not realize this on his own. You have to plant the idea in his brain by constantly making subtle references to it in your everyday conversation, such as:

- Roger, would you mind passing me a Sweet 'n' Low, in-as-much as we have a relationship?

- Wake up, Roger! There's a prowler in the den and we have a relationship! You and I do, I mean.

- Good News, Roger! The gynecologist says we're going to have our fourth child, which will serve as yet another indication that we have a relationship !

- Roger, inasmuch as this plane is crashing and we probably have only about a minute to live, I want you to know that we've had a wonderful 53 years of marriage together, which clearly constitutes a relationship.

Never let up, women. Pound away relentlessly at this concept, and eventually it will start to penetrate the guy's brain. Some day he might even start thinking about it on his own. He'll be talking with some other guys about women, and, out of the blue, he'll say, "Elaine and I, we have, ummm... We have, ahhh... We... We have this thing." And he will sincerely mean it.

-Extracted from Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys, 1995, originally published in the Miami Herald.

7 comments to THE REAL DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

  1. says:

    Anonymous The differences between men and women are great, hehe!

  1. says:

    Anonymous I think it is an accepted opinion (at least to me) that women are better talkers than men. Especially when there’s an argument, women articulate better, and if they run out of bullets, they’ll keep quiet but not before they say they’re right and telling you to sleep on the couch! It’s true and I don’t know why, but women always win in an argument, especially when it comes to issues that involve the heart more than the brain. If the woman loses, all she had to do is to breakdown, and the argument dies in her favor.

    Another thing about women is they are not only better talkers, they are also better readers too. No, I don’t mean the bookworm kind. They READ men! My wife always says this, “I can tell what you’re up to just by looking at your tail!” And she’s right 99% of the time! Damn! And I can tell you too, they read men better than men reading men! If you need to assess any of your social buddies, ex-schoolmates, or employees, or the neighbor’s character or values, (even their personal hygiene!), you can depend on your psychologist wife to give you a free, unbiased and accurate report! You can never go wrong with that one I tell you!! :-)

    But the male character in your story is basically a self-centered male chauvinist pig (Oops!) What can I say…if you are hanging out with a guy like that, you might as well spend your time doing charity work.
    Are men and women from different planets? You’ll have to ask the women. LOL!!

    Cheers
    StraightTalking

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear Anon @ 9.24 pm

    :-) Indeed the differences go beyond what we see...Take care and have a restful evening.

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear StraightTalking

    :-) Does Mrs. StraightTalking read my blog? You have certainly made many women happy with your comment :-).

    Thank you so much for your very accurate take on women :-)

    Well, in reality, there are women who end up with such MCPs but I believe it could be due to either blind love or genuine love or pure idealism.

    Whatever the case, I believe we need to recognize each other's strengths and weaknesses and try their best to make it work. :-)

    Take care and have a lovely weekend, dear friend. Thanks so much for your very entertaining comment.

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous I tell the wife that I'm blogging with this super Penang lady to sharpen my English and she says, "Oh? She pretty?" like it's no big deal and I say "Yep, very".

    That's all it takes.

    Now she reads your blog like it's her favorite novel!!! :-)

    StraightTalking

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear StraightTalking

    Haha!! Thanks so much for your cheeky and heartwarming comment. Soon, your wife will be as crazy as I am :-).

    Thanks so much for the support, kindness and friendship. You have truly been a tremendous blessing indeed.

    Take care and God bless you and your missus and your Corgi too!

    Enjoy the weekend together.

    Cheers

  1. says:

    ahoo Thank God that we (men & women) are wired differenttly otherwise this world would never has progressed. Men are from Mars and Women from Venus as one author had written but I've yet to read it.

    We need each other as much as the plants need the sun. How we compliment each other daily will be like depositing into a bank account. We can withdraw in later life what we have deposited along the way. So, let us deposit all the mutual hapinnes and love into our bank account of memories.

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