JOKES FOR THURSDAY MORNING

Posted by Unknown On Thursday, April 15, 2010 8 comments
For a change, I thought I'd post some funny one-liners to bring a smile to your face as you begin a new day. Enjoy this selection and may today bring many blessings into your life!

Tell-tale Signs of a Loser

* He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
* If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
* She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
* She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husband's parents'.
* He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
* He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
* If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
* He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
* Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
* His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
* She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
* He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
* She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
* She has delusions of adequacy.

Ways You Can Tell You Are A Sad Sack

* You get fired from your job at McDonalds.
* You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
* Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
* Your mom still pick your clothes out for you.
* You pick your nose and don't care who sees you.
* You are over 30 and still living with your parents.
* You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
* You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
* You remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.
* You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900."

You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:

* You wake up face down on the pavement
* You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
* Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
* Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
* You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
* You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
* Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
* You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
* You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week.

Have a lovely day!

8 comments to JOKES FOR THURSDAY MORNING

  1. says:

    Monyet King He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.

    LOL.

    Have a pleasant day, MWS

  1. says:

    Kampung Girl * You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

    Oh, noooooooooooooooo!

  1. says:

    Anonymous “PAS and Zaid are like chicken and duck, they cannot understand each other,” said Kelantan Opposition Leader Datuk Alwi.

    Alwi, you are a goose then!

  1. says:

    Unknown Hi Dr Bala

    Lovely to hear from you! I panicked yesterday cos I thought I had missed the deadline for the Tiger Blogfest and trawled my email to find the details. What a relief!

    :-) Take care and have a lovely day!

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear Kampung Girl

    LOL!!! It is good to laugh out loud sometimes, ya?

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear Anon @ 8.23pm

    A very witty remark indeed! Thanks for sharing :-).

    Have a great day!

    Cheers

  1. says:

    ahoo You know it's going to be a bad day when :

    You reverse your car into your auto-gate when rushing your kid to school in the morning.

    You have to wake up your servant in the morning to start household chores.

    The cock's crows at 3.00 am ???

  1. says:

    Unknown Dear ahoo

    Haha! Thanks for sharing. Great to see you again! Have a lovely evening.

    Shalom

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