The following jokes were sent to me by various friends. I put them together for this lovely Sunday afternoon with the hope that it will bring many smiles to your face. The first one is a "BEST JOKE" award winner in UK/ Have a nice day!
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
______________________________
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
__________________________________
POWER OUTAGE
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation . " The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story .
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept . I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown . Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf . This ain't rocket science . ' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors .
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm . Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered . I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt , a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working . Bet they hit a snag . ' Belinda said, and headed for the door .
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted . Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy . . . the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights . I'll be right back . '
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared . . And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men Extraordinaire, found me . . . Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin . Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch . Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps . . . . "
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
I nstead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get out of here."
The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor , it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
I n return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."
______________________________
The Aisle Seat
Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
__________________________________
POWER OUTAGE
At my recent assault trial, I offered a plea of "Guilty with an explanation . " The judge asked me what my explanation was, so I told my story .
"Your Honor," I said, "I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept . I was met with: 'Hi! I'm Belinda!' This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, 'All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown . Everything clear?' I'm thinking, 'Belinda, try decaf . This ain't rocket science . ' Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors .
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, 'Hmmmm . Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?' 'Fine', I answered . I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt , a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! 'Oh, maintenance is working . Bet they hit a snag . ' Belinda said, and headed for the door .
'Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?' I shouted . Belinda kept going and said, 'Oh, you fussy puppy . . . the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights . I'll be right back . '
Before I could shout 'NOOOO!' she disappeared . . And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men Extraordinaire, found me . . . Half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin . Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, 'Oh I am sooo sorry!' The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch . Are we upset?'
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps . . . . "
The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said 'Case Dismissed!!'
Selvi Samy Vellu promises major changes in MIC within six months.
~~ Malaysian Insider
The best of the best jokes for Sunday, hahaha....