There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly only to find that he owed the IRS [Internal Revenue Service], in 1997, $3,407USD. [Somewhat less than £2,000] He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 1997 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).Screw $22
This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund', as noted on my return. Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw' . (See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled of Oklahoma.
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The following letter was sent to me by a friend. It is supposed to be taken from the Guardian and is an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue (Tax Office):
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a 'begging letter'. It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a 'tax demand'. This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such documents.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the 'endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat' has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from 'pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers' might indicate that your decision to 'file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies' is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a 'lackwit bumpkin' or, come to that, a 'sodding charity' . More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay 'go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services', a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to 'stump up for the whole damned party' yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on 'junkets for Bunterish lickspittles' and 'dancing whores' whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, 'that box-ticking façade of a university system.'
A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:
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1. The reason we don't simply write 'Muggins' on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system
2. You can rest assured that 'sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give' has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medicallogistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to 'give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India' you would still owe us the money.
Please forward it by Friday.
Yours Sincerely,
H J Lee
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue (Tax Office)
5 comments to STRANGE BUT TRUE AND FUNNY STORIES
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Anonymous Hi Nick,
You must have been that "Rose" that have too many thorns and a pain in one's flesh. With your witty comments that rubs salt into both pinky and rose, I'd enjoyed most of it.
Facts are facts and that's the way we should address them. Calling a spade a spade and nothing less. With all the billions disappearing into thin air faster than we can teach a child to count, what is there for the coming generation?
Debts and more debts and these lenders will be colonising us in other forms. What the "old horse" was barking about the Malays being controlled by other races in Malaysia and losing power etc. are all stories for bedtime.
If a nation cannot be proud of its talented citizens than this nation must be relegated to the back waters of the third world. The people at large will continue to suffer while the elite group will be " reaching for the moon."
We who are a little more knowledgeable than those in the estates, kampongs, jungle etc. must contribute in ways we can to ensure that change arrive at our shore sooner than expected. We cannot allow this nation's soul to be prostituted by any tom, dick and harry. Let us all unite to show them The Way Out, ya. Cheers.
~ahoo~
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nick Dear ahoo,
Glad you liked it. It's just me and my hyper imagination in action. BTW, we are all but the conduit. The true story teller are our "primadonnas" out there in Putrajaya.
God bless all Malaysian.
Nick.
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Unknown Dear Nick,
I just had dinner with my friend who is a professor at Harvard University and she confirmed that the story in the post about the toilet seat is real!!
Thank you so much for your rib-cracking comment. You are very imaginative with such a great sense of humor and yet through your wit,you have subtly reminded us of issues at hand which remain unresolved, unsolved and unanswered.
Take care and thanks so much for sharing. I had such a good laugh reading your comment over and over again!!!
Have a restful evening!
Salam
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Unknown Dear ahoo
I believe more and more Malaysians have awakened from their slumber and are sitting upright to see what is happening to our country and what they can do about it.
The rot set in years ago and we have to be serious to arrest the retardation in many areas of our country.
May the citizens arise and with one voice in the ballot box put the right government that can do the right thing for us!
Take care and God bless you and yours always.
Shalom
nick Sis,
NASA paid USD171 for a hammer and USD600 for a toilet? Hah! Those NASA boys are novice compared to Malaysian servant of public..Servant of public???..Not! Why, in Malaysia we paid RM33,000 for an ACER (sorry ACER!) laptop (normal price err.. RM2,500 but some people say that Acer has made a laptop that can transform into a robot just like in the transformer movie. Just ask TDM and he'll tell you all about it and about AVATAR too!)
We even paid RM6billions for an...wait for it..., Ladies and gents!... the most astounding invention evarr... the unsinkable submarine!But the funny thing about it is that the Malaysian Navy keep working hard and round the clock to make it able to sink. Why??? Isn't that what was ordered and expected from a submarine... it's unsinkable, therefore no sailor's life will be lost! No??? Oh, my mistake! I'm sorry to say that I don't have any experience or technical knowledge regarding the operation and maintenance of a submarine. To think of it, neither does Perimekar! Hmmm... that gives me an idea!
Sooo....Mr. Pink M, can I have the next contract for logistic and support services when Malaysia is again buying a submarine or..is it an "unsubmarine"! What does Perimekar has that I, myself a Malaysian malay, don't have, that is keeping you from awarding me those juicy bribes..err.. commissions...err..logistic and support services contract??? What???
Not what but who??? I don't get you Mr Pink M? Why do you need a translator/interpreter when you can perfectly understand my english (however broken it may be) and my impeccable Bahasa melayu or bahasa Malaysia. Now, wait a minute! Are you calling me a female??? NO??? Ohh...a female interpreter! Now I get it! But err.. but still, why do you need an interpreter and a female one at that??? Huh??? What has birds and bees got to do with submarine??? Are we talking about the Dept of environment now??? No??? Mr Pink M, you are confusing me!!!
Sis, this fictitious conversation can go on forever in my head so I think I better stop here!
Have a great day and GOD bless!
Nick.