A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in awhile a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back,and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.
So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
* Thanks to Angela who sent me this joke.
___________________________________________
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question...
This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question.
With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Eighty-six."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be 86 and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around.
"It's easy. I outlived all of them...."
*Thanks to Freddie who sent me this joke.
________________________________
Here's an oldie but a goodie...
SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
Have a lovely day! Keep smiling :-).
11 comments to TUESDAY HUMOR
-
Cat-from-Sydney SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS (from a cat's perpective)
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is purrrrfect.
2. No human has ever been convicted for feeding the cats.
3. A slave (to a cat) is someone who takes out the money and just spend it on cat stuffs.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm either wet and canned or dry and crunchy.
5. A balanced diet is a kibble in each paw.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy bed.
7. Blessed are they who play by themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a pet-less life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat on the dining table.
10. Housework done properly can kill cats.
11. Countless number of cats have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
12. My next house will have no other cats --- just me.
har har har *evil laughs*
-
Unknown Dear Johnnie
Haha! You are wekcome. I saved that joke for the post-World Cup fever :-).
Take care and have a great day!
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Angelina and Brad
OMG!!! That is such a priceless and most creative comment.
Please can I post it separately and credit it to you????
I hope you will say "yes" and I will not do anything until you give your permission.
Take care and thanks so much for this beautiful comment!
Hugs and salam
-
Cat-from-Sydney Aunty Paula,
Purrleaase...it's just me, Brad, OK? No Angelina! She's still hibernating (refer to resolution #12). So, all credit is mine and mine alone. har har har *evil laughs*
-
Unknown Dear Cheeky but adorable Brad
:-) So can I post it and credit to you? Can you please ask your mama to email me your pics so that I can put it up in my blog? If I were to 'steal' your pics, I might put up Angelina's pic instead of yours LOL!!!
Waiting your royal instructions.
Hugs and salam
-
Unknown Dear Selvi
Hehe! So did I! I purposely saved it to be posted after the World Cup fever subsided. Take care and have a great evening.
Cheers
-
Anonymous That's a high price to pay for pissing at the wrong place and time.
Surely, she could had been more kind instead of snipping the "thing" off, hehehe. She gets her garden watered and the flower will be blomming with all those nutrients.
That part of "forgive your enemies" can be tagged on the Loony Toony as by now he would outlived many of his opponents BUT others can't forgive him leh.
They are still around and many will piss on his grave one of this day.
The kitchen of today should have a clear sign : Self-Service Only and all items eaten/taken must be replaced same.
~ahoo~
-
Unknown Dear ahoo
Haha! Glad you enjoyed the post. Your comment is so funny LOL!!! I love the notion of nutrients haha!
I see you observe good habits in your kitchen :-). Your dear wife must be very happy.
Take care and thanks for sharing so candidly and from your heart.
Have a blessed day!
Cheers
-
Anonymous NO good ... i've pissed to my own garden but CERTAIN plants cannot tahan & mati !
johnnie lim thanks Paula for the laugh. good thing I don't watch foot ball. I sure don't want to mess with that old lady. ha ha..