My friend, Freddie, sent me the following post. Very funny indeed :-). No offense meant to any Catholic readers. I am posting for the sake of humor and not to insult anyone. Keep smiling and have a nice day!
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A Nun Grading Papers
CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN.THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
18 comments to ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM A SCHOOL TEST *humor*
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Unknown I like the unsympathetic genitals of the Jews.
And the 300 wives and 700 procupines so the wives can have 2 porcupines each and will have 100 extra for new wives.
:-))
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Anonymous 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
- Genesis is the first book.
Genesis 1:31, God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.
Genesis 2:1, Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.
2, By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested [a] from all his work.
3, And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.
Will take time to answer all questions in its right perspective later. Thanks.
~ahoo~
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Unknown Dear KoSong Cafe
Actually, I did think of doing a corrected version but was afraid it might spoil the humor :-). I will repost it another day with the corrections.
Take care and thanks for swinging by. Have a great week!
Cheers
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Unknown Hi Hawkeye
How lovely to hear from you again! You are making waves with your writing and I am honored by your presence :-).
Glad you enjoyed the humor in this pose hehe..
Thanks for your witty response.
Take care and keep up the wonderful work you are doing!
Cheers!
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Unknown Dear Anon @ 4.44pm
:-) Indeed!
Take care and may God bless you and yours always!
Cheers!
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Unknown Dear Romerz
Haha!! I am sure many secretly agreed with him ;-p.
Have a restful evening!
Cheers!
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Unknown Dear ahoo
Yup!!! That is why I did not post the correct answers much as I wanted to :-).
My former Sunday School teacher Rev Hwa Jen used to drum these bible facts into our heads when I was a teenager :-).
And now, I can still recall the facts but not the specific scripture verses though...
Take care and have a blessed evening.
Cheers
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Captain Obvious Dear masterwordsmith,
hahaha...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qnq7N6X4x84
It wasn't the most exciting thing I've ever watched, but it certainly wasn't the dullest.
Cheers!
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Unknown Dear Captain Obvious
:-) Thanks for sharing that link. It's one of my younger son's fav clip. He has a great sense of humor and makes his own parodies on his handphone hehe...I must post them in my blog one day.
Take care and keep smiling!
Cheers
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Anonymous Question :
1) Genesis not Guinessis. Gen 1:31 was the sixth day of creation. It was very good and thus, God rested on the seventh day, see Gen 2:2.
2) Gen 2:22, God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man (Adam). Noah's wife name was not mentioned ??? Read Gen 7:1-9 on Noah's great escape.
3) Gen 19:26. Lots wife became a pillar of salt as she looked back to Sodom and Gomorrah whn told not to do so by the angel. Read Gen 19:17. Gen 19:24, the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom nad Gomorrah.
4) The covenant of Circumcision was made between the Lord and Abramham in Gen 17. Read Gen 17:10 on circumcision.
5) Judges 16:4. Samsom fell in love with a woman in the valley of Sorek whose name is Delilah.
Whereas the story of Jezebel can be read from 1 Kings 16:30. Ahab son of Omri married Jezebel daughter of Ethbaal king of Sidonians, and beagn to serve Baal and worship him.
Jezebel was one of the most wicked rulers in the Old Testament. Her death was at the hands of Jehu's loyal servants.
6) Judges 15: 15. Samson struck down a thousand men with the jawbone of a donkey.
7) Exodus 14:2. They encamp near Pi Hahiroth, between Migdol and the sea, directly opposite Baal Zephon.
The bread from heaven was called Manna.
8) Exodus 14:28. The Egyptians were all drowned in the sea. Not one of them survived.
It was in Mount Sinai where the Lord met Moses.
9) Exodus 20:3. You shall have no other gods before me.
10) Exodus 20:14. Thou shall not commit adultery.
Aiyah, teaching an old dog new tricks is slow and tedious leh. Brain also a bit rusty now. Will continue it till end of questionaire.
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Unknown Dear Anon @ 12.08 p.m. (is it ahoo??)
Thank you so much for such a detailed response to correct the humorous errors in the post.
Your reward is in heaven for lighting up our lives with the word!
Thanks so much for your exemplary faithfulness and faith in the Lord.
Take care and have a blessed weekend!
Shalom
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Unknown Dear Anon @ 3.10pm
Very good play on words with double entendre.
Take care and thanks for sharing! Do keep in touch.
Cheers
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Anonymous 11) Deuteronomy 34. Moses died at 120 years old in the plains of Moab. Canaan was the promised land.
Joshua 6:15. The battle of Jericho was won by marching round the city of Jericho seven times on the seventh day
12) Mark 16 (The Ressurection) The greatest miracle in the bible cannot be anything else besides the ressurection of Jesus Christ on the third day of crucifixion.
Without the ressurection, Christian's faith would have been in vain!
13) 2 Samuel 6:5. King David was skilled with lyres. 1 Samuel 18. David killed the Philistine.
14) 2 Samual 12:24. Solomon was born. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines. Read 1 Kings 11:3
Will continue again later. Need to log off.
~ahoo~
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Anonymous 15) Matthew 1:18. The birth of Jesus to Mary.
Matthew 1:23. The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel" which means, "God with us."
Without the virgin birth the gospel message is not impactful as all other socalled prophets were by normal birth except Jesus.
For he came from heaven to earth to forgive men of their sins and crucified and on the third day, rose again to show the way to heaven.
16) Matthew 2:1. The issue of the 3wise men have always been a bone of contention amongst the bible scholar.
In Matt 2 verse 1, it clearly states Wise Men with no mention of 3. Just because it mentions of gifts of gold and of incense and of myrrh, many people assume it to be 3 wise men in view of 3 gifts.
They found Jesus in a manger since the inn was full for that night.
17) Matthew 1:20. "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit."
18) Matthew 3:16. As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and lighting on him.
Jesus was baptized by John the baptist in the river Jordan by total immersion.
19) Matthew 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.
Matthew 4:4. Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
20) Matthew 28:2. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it.
Note : Even before the stone was rolled back, Jesus was already no longer inside. Read Matthew 28.
21) Matthew 4:18-20. The first disciples.
v18.As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen.
v19."Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men."
v20.At once they left their nets and followed him.
22) Epistles are just letters written by the men of God through the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.
23) Matthew 9:9.
v9. As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector's booth. "Follow me," he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
24) Acts 9:1. Saul's conversion.
v1. Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord's disciples.
v3. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him.
v4. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?"
v5. "Who are you, Lord?" Saul asked. "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting," he replied.
25) Monogamy - One wife only.
Ah, finally got the time to finish what I'd started and wanted to complete. With ONE at home is more than one can chew, how to handle more than that ?
As the chinese saying goes, there cannot be two tigers on the same mountain. Thanks and apology for taking a snail pace.
~ahoo~
KoSong Cafe Even without bible knowledge, I find it very funny indeed. It is a pity only a small number (with good bible knowledge as well as good English) will fully appreciate these classics.
Why not do one with explanations and corrected versions to suit our current standard of English?