Good morning, dear reader! I thought I'd post some funny one-liners to help you start the day with many smiles on your face. I have posted some of these before but they are quite funny and worth another visit. Laugh a lot, stay happy and have a great day!
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CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who runs in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man gives wife grand piano, wise man gives wife upright organ.
Man who walks through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick goes hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who east many prunes gets good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon finds him in cat house.
Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!
What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!
Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.
WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
BOO-BEE
Whats best about shagging Twenty - Eight year olds?
There is Twenty of them!
How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel
The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.
Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud
What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off
What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !
What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer
What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "
Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!
What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick
Have a great day!
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