FUNNY ONE-LINERS FOR A CHEERY MORNING

Posted by M ws On Thursday, January 7, 2010 28 comments
Good morning, dear reader! I thought I'd post some funny one-liners to help you start the day with many smiles on your face. I have posted some of these before but they are quite funny and worth another visit. Laugh a lot, stay happy and have a great day!

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CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who runs in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man gives wife grand piano, wise man gives wife upright organ.

Man who walks through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick goes hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who east many prunes gets good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who puts husband in doghouse soon finds him in cat house.

Man who fights with wife all day gets no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

____________________________________________


Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
BOO-BEE

Whats best about shagging Twenty - Eight year olds?
There is Twenty of them!

How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower?
Give the bitch a shovel

The fight we had last night was my fault,
my wife asked me what was on the TV and i said dust.

Boys are like parking spaces the good ones are take-in!!!!

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud

What do you call a camal with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies !

What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMN!

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut its nose off

What do you call a fish with no eye ?
FSH !

What do you call a deer with no eyes ?
I have no I-Deer

What is invisable and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.

What is a dogs favourite school subject?
"Dog-Ruff-E "

Why are there no asprins in the jungle?
Because the Parots-ate-em-all

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

Why do gerillas have big nostralls?
Coz they got big fingers!!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull?
Lipstick

Have a great day!

28 comments to FUNNY ONE-LINERS FOR A CHEERY MORNING

  1. says:

    Anonymous thinking of 2moro demonstration ,
    my heart is very2 heavy, sorry .... simply cant enjoy your morning jokes ...sorry ...sobbing !! (iwc)

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear IWC

    Sighs

    I know how you feel. I feel the same way which is why I am trying to inject some cheer into cyberspace. Things are more than absurd now! But we must not lose hope. Let them make a fool of themselves and all the world will see what idiots they are...

    We have to be strong and steadfast...

    Take care and be of good cheer...Smile..

    God bless you.

    Shalom

  1. says:

    Anonymous sigh...sigh...SIGH ! take care & GODbless ! iwc.

  1. says:

    Huilu We should not allow wrongdoing to flourish unchecked.
    True justice means fighting and triumphing over evil.
    To quietly condone evil is to become an accomplice to it!

    God bless us!

  1. says:

    stephen Great jokes MWS!! I need it as it is the last day of my leave.sob sob.

    Still giving tuition or truly, officially retired? How did i know? Snooping as usual lah.I very sibuk you know one lah!!

    Have a great day (very envious)!

  1. says:

    nick Hi Sis,

    I found this quote in the net and thought it would be appropriate to describe the PM and all his cabinet members and for that matter the whole BN leadership too.

    "Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak".

    Therefore anyone who still thinks that the PM and his cabinet are smart and bright after hearing them speak are either deaf or they are so dumb that they don't even know what dumb is!

    Hamba.
    May GOD bless us all.

  1. says:

    Anonymous NOW, dat @#$%^& pm oso agrees with the demonstrations !!! DOOMED.

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Huilu

    Well spoken!! The more they commit evil deeds, the more we have to stand up for what we know and believe to be right and true.

    May God give us strength to withstand these challenges and the wisdom to know what to do.

    Take care and God bless you!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Stephen,

    Haha! I love some of them so much!!! I know I can be such a riot. You can imagine the tricks I played on my students when I was teaching and lecturing...

    Officially retired...I only have three or four kids with me...my friend's children and help them when my son is not around. So that is why I spend so much time on my blog.

    In fact, I am looking for a job...er supposed to be looking for a job but have done nothing about it yet. The thought of going back to industry is scary. I have turned down many lecturing positions and really have no desire to be in any institution to teach because of the pathetic standard of education. It would be (as it was in my last course - 2005) far too stressful for me...

    I have 12A1 JPA scholars telling me "I has a good family" in their essays!!! Yup - it is that bad. Wonder if you ever read my rants about education in this blog..lots of it..

    In the mean time, it is blogging, sweeping, mopping,ironing,reading and occasionally shopping haha...

    Wah - how did you trawl the info? Scary ler...

    And yes...hehe I will have a great day cos I am going to write another post hehe...

    Take care and may you be blessed today and everyday.

    Shalom

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Nick,

    You are amazing! How you find those quotations and match them to morons in a jiffy is a work of a maestro indeed!

    Love your comment hehehe...Actually, perhaps they were watching Jim Carey's Dumb and Dumber far too often for their intelligence and sanity hehe...

    Have a great day and please take care!

    Salam

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Anonymous @ 12.38 pm

    Don't worry. They are dooming themselves for they are showing to all and sundry what sort of double standards they are practising.

    And I sincerely hope that it will convince those fence sitters to vote them out in the next election.

    Enough is definitely enough!

    Out out out!

  1. says:

    Anonymous We are don't understanding your jokes !
    (pmr 8A1s)

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Anonymous @ 1.58 p.m.

    :-) Hehe

    Very cheeky but I like it haha!

    Have a great day!

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous why you like that one ? but i likes your two ...oops , too ! cheers.

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Hi Anonymous

    LOL!!! You are a riot! You are iwc is it???

    Take care and smile a lot!

    Cheers

  1. says:

    Anonymous STAY away from the mosqui...oops, mosque besok...got demonstrations nation-wide , green from the @#$%^&
    pm & hm & ......! (iwc)

  1. says:

    Hafiz b Shukor We are living in an environment where egoism, greed, corruption and human violations run rampant!

    Sighssssssssssssssss!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear IWC

    I cannot imagine how the leaders can allow this to happen and claim that they cannot stop them when they could stop other minor demonstrations. It appears that action is selective for selected groups. Sighs....You take care...

    Salam

  1. says:

    Village Boy We must be always on the side of justice. If ever the idea of justice should grow dim within us, we would be prey to every peril.

    Stand up, fellow Malaysians.

    Speak up! Let our voice be heard!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Saudara Hafiz

    Each day, I awake hoping that things will get better and it doesn't.

    More and more, I can see how these evil characters are getting worse and more brazen in their disgusting schemes!

    So sad!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Village Boy

    The day our voice dies within us is the day when hope dims.

    Contrastingly, the time when our voices rise in unison AGAINST injustice is the beginning of change in our nation...

    Let the voices echo and rise in unison to a crescendo ...

  1. says:

    QQ We must win without fail.
    Victory depends on capable people.
    Good must prevail.
    If good is defeated, it will be totally obliterated.

    Dear Sis,

    You have our fullest support. Yes, our voices must rise in unison AGAINST injustice!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear QQ

    Thanks so much for standing with me!

    Together, we can!!!

    Malaysians, please wake up...rise up!!!!

  1. says:

    Anonymous First it was RM50,000,000 each.
    Now, it is RM303,570 each.

    Who knows, later we will be told that we got the two F5-E jet engines
    FOC.

    Don't you think it is possible, hahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Anonymous @ 8.07 pm

    In Malaysia...anything is possible...after all this is bolehland!

    So sad!!

  1. says:

    A Arthur Really good one liners. There are a lot of everyday wisdom in it too. Thank you.

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear Arthur

    You are most welcome. Glad you enjoyed this selection of one liners.

    Take care and have a good rest.

    Cheers
    Paula

  1. says:

    Anonymous * bombed ...BOMBED !*
    since pm said ' can protest wat !'
    my way of 'protest' = BOOM !

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