Dear reader, I have a friend who farts. I mean real bad farts. You know - the type that can cause serious toxic poisoning. A few of us have had terrible experiences with him and this particular post is dedicated to this old farting friend of mine and those of you out there who love to fart regardless of your age or gender :-). Have a good fart oops I mean a good laugh, smile a lot and enjoy the rest of the evening! Next political post should be up by 10p.m. Take care!
* Sorry dear reader...have been very distracted by this post hehehe and am behind schedule for my socio-political post. Should be up by 10.30p.m. or thereabouts.
___________________________________________________________________
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Eeeeeewwwwwwww!!!
_____________________________________
Fart Names - Funny euphemisms people use for farts ...
Gravy Pants
Firing Scud Missiles
Turd Honking
Mud Duck
Panty Burps
Pant Stainers
Cut the Cheese
Trouser Cough
K-Fart
Crack Splitters
Turd Tooties
Anal Audio
Great Brown Cloud
Exercising the meat nozzle
___________________________________________
A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart
_____________________________________
Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!
_____________________________________
WHEN YOU SHOULD NEVER FART:
1. Inside a crowded Lift.
2. Inside a public library.
3. On a crowded train.
4. Whilst giving a speech.
5. In Church.
6. Whilst on a date.
7. In a packed lecture theatre.
8. In your office.
9. At a cinema.
10. In a walk-in freezer - it'll linger a while
11. In a ticket line.
13. On an airplane.
14. During confession
15. In the bed, whilst feeling frisky.
16. In bed when you're feeling frisky
17. While fighting fire in a burning building
19. In a patrol car for a minor violation
WHEN TO FART:
1. Bosses office as you are about to leave. - best to make sure it's silent but violent.
2. In a bathroom.
3. In the cashiers line - it's bound to speed things up.
4. The empty elevator before you get off.
5. Beside an occupied dressing room - no doubt it'll quickly become unnocupied.
6. Your co-workers cubicle at the office.
7. When deep sea diving.
8. Back seat of the Police Mobile after being arrested.
9. In your car if you've been carjacked.
10. During a pie eating competition to distract your competitors.
__________________________________________
If you're an American when you go into the bathroom, and an American when you come out, what are you when you're in the bathroom? Eur - o - pean.
Two guys are in a locker room when one notices the other has a cork up his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"
The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Big Fella in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish."
And I said, "No sh*t."
_______________________________________
A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man lets rip a fart. Wifey rolls over and growls, "What in God's name was that?"
Man says, "TOUCHDOUWN, I'm ahead, 7 to nothing!!!"
A few minutes later the wife lets rip a Scorcher.
Husband says, "Crikey, what was that?"
The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he craps in bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."
_________________________________________
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
_______________________________________
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
_____________________________________
Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"
Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor. He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
__________________________________________
Three men visit the mountain of wishes where, if you jump off and say your wish you'll get it.
So the first guy jumps and says I wanna be famous, POOF he's famous.
The second guy jumps and says I wanna be rich, POOF he's a trillionaire.
Finally, the third guy goes trips over a stick and says shit.
As he hits the bottom he lands in a pile of shit.
___________________________________________
There were three horny dogs (A British bulldog, A German shephard and a Chihuaha)
A poodle walked by and she says "Ill let one of you f*** me if you can use liver and cheese in the same sentence"
The Bulldog says "I hate liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work"
The German shephard says "I love liver and cheese"
She says "Nope that wont work."
The Chihuaha says "Liver alone cheese mine"
_________________________________________
Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.
Do you have a piece of gum? Now, what were you thinking of???? Tsk tsk tsk!!!
__________________________________________
Have a lovely evening er..should I say a fart-filled evening??? LOL!!! Enjoy...I mean the evening, and perhaps the fart too! :-)
23 comments to FARTING JOKES FOR THOSE WHO LOVE TO FART! *updated
-
bakarmerah What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?
You are the wind beneath my wings.
-
stephen Well, well talking about me again! You know there are different types of farts- the dry fart,the thundering fart that startles everyone, the silent killer fart that sneaks up nastily to the victims nostrils and the classic wet fart that leaves skid marks in the underwear.
My better half suggested fixing a whistle to the privates to end the fart on a high note.
Women!! they just don't understand.
-
Cat-from-Sydney Eeeeuuuwwwww! This house is so stinky today. Sorry, I'm leaving... oh, before I leave, pssttt... cats fart too. Meow!
-
Unknown Hi dear Pug
Thanks for your contribution :-)
I am quite sure there are many out there who do a good job farting in the tub and the pool, perhaps in the jacuzzi and even in the sauna LOL!!
Take care and have a lovely evening!
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Pug
Love the maxi-pad one-liner! Classic!
Thanks for sharing. Take care and happy farting :-)...
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Stephen
Wow! I see you are a riotous farting specialist!!! Your dear wife must really love you very much heheheh to have lived through all the various farting contributions/offerings you have made to her hahaha...Well...she did pledge for better for worse :-).
You are a real joker indeed hehe!!!
Women understand too well haha but they pretend not to :-).....
Have a lovely evening farting away happily ever after!
Cheers
P.S. Incidentally, the first story that my younger boy wrote at the age of 4 was Bart who Loved to Fart. I must find it and post it one day....:-) You see - farting runs in the family!
-
Unknown My dear Cat-in-Sydney,
You are such an adorable darling!!! I seriously did not know cats fart!!! So Angelina, does Brad love you still - farts and all???
Ah - I found Putty Cat and the other cat too...Nick stashed it safely one of the display cabinets :-)He is so adorable but getting a bit chubby :-) er...like his mommy haha...
Take care and have a lovely fart-filled evening!
Hugs
-
sinkeh Poor Old Lady
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems ok, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
-
bayi MWSu,
Let me share this one! LOL!
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
-
bayi And this one too!
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
-
JournoDownUnder My! My! What a riot it is today. You have cats and dogs who can fart as commenters too. I've always wondered why in some cultures it is considered rude to burp but OK to fart. Both help humans to un-wind, no? And why is it old geezers are often referred to as old farts too?
Argh...my brain is working overtime. No good.
-
Unknown Dear Sinkeh
Aiyoooo!!! I love this joke that you shared...LOL!!!
You know, I would not at all be surprised if this actually happened in Malaysia! :-)
Thanks so much for sharing and for making me laugh so much.
Gee - I did not know that farting is quite a popular activity hehe..
Have a lovely evening!
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Bayi
Ah - I see we are equally gila hehehe...Thanks for sharing the jokes :-)...One good farting joke deserves another...pfffft :-)
I actually posted the broccoli one a few months ago but it is very good and worth another reminder. Thanks!
I love the second joke lah!!! Haha! So cool!
Just to share with you - a few years ago, I could not get a flight from Hanoi to Hue and had to take the train. Somehow, tough luck for me for I got the centre bunk and mind you, the cabin was so crammed as I am claustrophobic. While I was trying to come to terms with the fact that I was not in a coffin (that was how I felt lying horizontal in the centre bunk), the passenger in the bunk above mine FARTED most unceremoniously!!!! In my haste to evacuate, I got up, bumped my head and nearly fell off the bunk!
So much for train adventures...
Take care and thanks for sharing!! Lovely to know one like you who enjoys jokes like I do!
May you have a fart-filled evening hehe..
Keep in touch ya?
Warmest wishes
-
Bush fan? Who's farting? :-)
At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
-
Unknown Dear JournoDownUnder,
Lovely to see you again! Now you know what a madcap I am...and likewise some of my readers too hehehe...
Indeed, I have wondered the same about burps and farts. Hmmm maybe I should do a post on burps :-).
Take care and have a lovely evening. Do keep in touch.
God bless!
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Bush Fan
What a classic you have shared with us!!! Thanks a zillion!!! I really howled and laughed so much that I have stomach cramps now. Little did I know that my farts I mean my farting jokes would generate more farts I mean more farting jokes hehehe..
Thanks for sharing and may we all fart happily ever after!
Pffft!
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Bayi
Wow! You are really cheeky hehe!
Hope you catch the videos I just posted in this blog post...on the jurassic farts - my younger boy;s favorite when he was younger...Kept him gurgling and perhaps farting away in the baby cot!
Take care and stay happy!
Cheers
-
Unknown Dear Bayi
Since you broached the subject of turds...this is for you...Check it out and laugh a lot!
Specially for Bayi
Cheers
-
bayi MWSu
Do you know that there is a certain type of camera that can trace farts on the screen? If the camera catches a person farting, his backside shows a jet of fumes! The funny thing is that the farter's face looks as innocent as ever! Most of the time he looks around furtively to see if his crime has been detected!!! LOL!
-
Unknown Dear Bayi
Aiyo thanks to this post and all the farting jokes, I am so distracted and am barely 1/3 way through my socio-political post...
Ooo I did not know about the fart detector. Hmm I like that - fart detector LOL!!!
But I have heard that in UK, there are some public pools where the water will turn a certain color if people pee in the pool!!!
Here's another dedication for you, Bayi...from one mad hatter to another...
BURPS SO GOOD
Happy burping and farting!
LOL!!
Cheers
bakarmerah Here's my stinkin' contribution to your collection:
A man who had been doing chores around the house all day was feeling stiff and sore. His wife, who was very pleased at her husband's initiative, decided to reward him by drawing him a hot bath, serving him a nice Rye whiskey, and joining him later for some extra fun.
The husband was quite happy to be pampered in this manner, so he lay in the tub, and called out for his wife to bring him his drink.
She said: If there's anything else I can do for you dear, just call for it, and I'll be happy to bring it up to you.
As soon as he heard her reach the bottom of the stairs, he let out a long, burbly bathtub fart, which produced enough stink filled bubbles to fog up the entire bathroom.
Moments later, his wife enters the room with a hot water bottle.
The confused husband looks up and says: What on earth gave you the idea that I needed a hot water bottle?
She answers: Didn't you just say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle?"