masterwordsmith-unplugged

Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get.

So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer, and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The Dealer asks "why 'S'?" and the snail replies "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted (for a small fee).

The snail get's his new car, and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow!

Look at that S-car go!"

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Vampires

Three vampires walk into a bar and the first one orders a pint of blood. The barman says to the second vampire "What'll it be?" And the second vampire says "I'll have a pint of blood as well." The third one says "Well I'm driving so I'll just have a pint of plasma."

The barman says "OK, that's two Bloods and one Blood lite then."

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Christmas Songbird

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.

The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing--

Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!