masterwordsmith-unplugged

Thanks to Freddie who sent me the following collection of jokes which I am posting for the sake of humor and laughs with no intention to insult any one/organization. Have a lovely Sunday!

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side."

__________________

QUICK THINKING

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager
about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was
standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman
kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can
think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"



HOW TO SELL ... TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty that they say is good, And then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."




Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.


There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic.
It reads: We may never piss this way again.


Q: What's the difference between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.


A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say Uh-huh or Yes dear or I'm sorry ?


Pilot asking permission to land said, Guess who?
Controller switches the field lights off and replied, Guess where!


[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.


[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two or more makes you are a referee.


[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!


[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.


[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.


[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.


[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.


[8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.


[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.


[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.


[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.


[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.


[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.


[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.


[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.


[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.


[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.


[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.


[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.


[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something


[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!


[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.


[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!


[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.


[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.


[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.


[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it.......!!!