masterwordsmith-unplugged

The Cross-eyed Dog

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, “My dog’s cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?”

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” 


“Why? Because he’s cross-eyed?” 


“No, because he’s really heavy.”

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A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife.

"Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog placed the Bible on the floor and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?"

"I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded.

The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl.

The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "Good Lord! He's Pentecostal!!!"

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The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart one day, buying a large bag of Purina for our dog. While I was in line, to check out, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog... Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby, so on impulse I told her, "No, I'm starting 'The Purina Diet' again... although I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time... but I did lose 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms."

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally believing it. I told her... "It's an easy, inexpensive diet... and the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

"

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now totally enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy standing behind her.



Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.



I said, "No... I was just sitting in the street, licking my butt, when a car hit me."

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.


_________________

A Russian scientist and a Czech scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.

Finally their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and on west to Yellowstone Park. 
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men.

They followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian. One ranger turned to the other and said: “You know what this means, don’t you?”

The other ranger responded: “Of course...The Czech is in the male.”

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One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. 


One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion. ”Lion, Lion!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”No” replied the lion, “I have not seen your four point tool.”

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. ”Gorilla, Gorilla!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”No” replied the gorilla, “I have not seen your four point tool.” 


Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. ”Jaguar, Jaguar!” he cried, “Have you seen my four point tool?”

”Yup!” replied the jaguar, “I’ve seen your four point tool.”

”Well where is it?” inquired the chimp.

”I ate it” said the jaguar, smugly.

”Why would you do that?” cried the chimp.

”Because” replied the big cat, “I’m a four point tool eater jaguar!”

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A man was driving along the motorway when he saw two penguins standing in the hard shoulder. They looked lost, so he picked them up and put them in the back seat of his car. He then goes to the petrol station to fill up and whilst he is there the attendant notices the penguins in the back seat.

He says to the man, “What are those two penguins doing in the back of your car?”

The man says, “I found them on the road and they looked lost, so I picked them up”

“You should take them to the zoo,” replied the attendant.

“What a good idea,” said the man, and then paid for his petrol and drove off.

The next day he went to the same petrol station and the same attendant serves him and notices the penguins are still in the car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?”

The man replies, “I did... they loved it... and now I’m going to take them to the movies!”

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Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. 


Daisy said to Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.

“It’s true, straight up, no bull!”

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Bugs Bunny was shopping at the supermarket and a sales assistant said to him: “If you can tell me what 19,866 times 10,543 is, we’ll give you free carrots for life.”

Immediately, Bugs responded: “209,447,238”. 


The sales assistant was astonished and asked: “How on earth did you do that?”

Bugs replied: “If there’s one thing rabbits are good at, it’s multiplying."

-Author Unknown-

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