This is an old joke which some of you may have seen. I googled for it in an attempt to find who is the author but alas, there is no acknowledgement. If any one of you know who wrote this, please leave a comment and I would like to give a standing ovation for the creator of this fantastic list.
Please exercise caution when you are reading the next part of this post. Ensure you do not laugh too loudly. Smile and have a great day!
NATIONAL FLOWER: Bunga Raya (Hibiscus).
NATIONAL CAR: Proton.
2nd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Kancil.
3rd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Tikus it's suppose to be half the size of the Kancil, but somehow Malaysian drivers will still be able to squeeze in 6 or 7 passengers.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT CAR SHOWROOMS: First walk towards the car you are interested in. Then walk around the car in circles, tapping and knocking every part of the chassis with your knuckles. Then say something like "Body not very solid..." After that approach the front left tyre, give it a few hard kicks to "test" the tyre. Next walk to the rear right side and press the body of the car down a few times, while exclaiming "wah, absorber not bad". Now you are ready for a "test drive" Get into the car and give the steering wheel a few turns. Flash the lights, sound the horn, recline the seats, open up every compartment etc. Do all these tests while you're pretending to read the brochure. Finished? Final test: get out of the car and slam the door a few times to check for "solid sound". If satisfied, approach salesman and ask "How much loan can take?"
NATIONAL RICE COOKER: National Rice Cooker. 99% of Malaysian households use a National Rice Cooker, the other 1% don't eat rice.
NATIONAL DOG NAME: Lucky or Poppy. Every self respecting mongrel in Malaysia who has an owner will invariably be call Poppy or Lucky.
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (ON THE WAY TO WORK): Nasi Lemak. Who cooks and eats nasi lemak at home for breakfast?
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (AT HOME): Maggi Mee. Also the national lunch and dinner if you're an outstation student, bachelor, neglected husband, lazy fella, etc.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS: Maggi Mee.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic Jam.
NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rushed in to a Seven Eleven, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye. If it's not available, Malaysians optimistically apply the other birth control method. (See below)
NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple.
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN): Food Poisoning.
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN): Menstrual Pain.
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, air cond not cold enough, air cond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, menstruation, haven't remove makeup, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: None.
NATIONAL SECRET SEXUAL DESIRE OF MALAYSIAN MEN: Transvestites Every heterosexual male Malaysian seem to have a secret desire for a "bapok". On a Saturday night, they flocked to all those places where the transvestites hang out. They ogle at them, tease them, pay for their "services", etc. They never fail to honk in excitement when they see one on the road. And the Saturday night outings to these places are always in a group of three or four male friends. It's a kind of Malaysian male bonding. Yes. Male bonding by seeking out men dressed up as women. It's no wonder that drag shows such as "Paper Dolls" are ever so popular in Malaysia.
NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol the "cure all" for Malaysians. If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS: Minyak Angin Cap Kapak
NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): Happy Hours
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): The sight of a police road block.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHEA: Pil 'Chi Kit' Teck Aun The miracle cure! It works. Ten minutes and you're "dried" up. Always pack some of this stuff when you're travelling.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF CONSTIPATION: Pil 'Chi Kit' Teck Aun The pills are so tiny it's easy to swallow an extra mouthful and overdose on it. No one can help you here.
NATIONAL CURE FOR "HEATINESS": Eno, Leng Chee Kang, Chinese Herbal Tea, Tonic Water, Barley Drink, Chin Chau.
NATIONAL PASTIME ON WEEKENDS: Queuing up patiently at Magnum 4D shops. This is very strange. On week days you'll find the same people jumping queues, elbowing the next guy at the bus stops, train stations etc. THEORY & REALITY. The probability of you winning the first prize at a 4D game is 10000 to 1. Hard to comprehend? Imagine you're at the Merdeka Stadium and you're standing on the field facing the grandstand. There are only 10000 spectators and you have lost your car keys. One of these guys in the crowd have found your keys. I give you only one chance to pinpoint that guy. No way right?! So much for the theory. Now for the reality. Malaysians are an optimistic lot and I believe that the possibility of your lucky number coming up in a permutation is always almost 10 to 1. That is why the next morning at the kopi tiam, someone will be screaming %#*&! Na Phui! Number Terbalik! My good friend Loo Singh, a regular punter has offered the following tips: When you're at any KTM (Kuda, Toto, Magnum) outlets always avoid a queue consisting mainly of Chinese. These fellas don't like pen and paper. They bark their bets across the counter causing unnecessary delays. Avoid the queue where there are many Indians. Indians like to place RM1 bets. Only problem is they place about 200 RM1 bets at the same time. The whole of Sentul probably tumpang him. Go for the queue where there are many Malays and Indonesians. Usually, they place small bets and only on one number.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR TYCOONS: Rolex. Usually the model with the gold bracelet and diamond studded bezel.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR YUPPIES: Tag Hauer. Every yuppie's must have "show off" accessory. Usually further down the wrist, in the palm is a tiny Motorola StarTac cellular phone. The irony is that Motorola spent much time and effort inventing a phone that can sit comfortably inside the shirt pocket.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR THE REST OF US: Rolex, Tag Hauer, Raymond Weil or Patek Philippe from Petaling Street.
NATIONAL FORMULA ONE DRIVERS: Mini Bus Drivers.
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL FINANCE COMPANY: Kedai Pajak Gadai (Pawn Shop). My Tag Hauer is now proudly on display there.
NATIONAL SNACK WHEN WATCHING A MOVIE: Smelly cuttlefish (sotong bakar)(during the trailers), Kua chee (during the movie).
NATIONAL PLACES FOR SMOOCHING: Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs.
NATIONAL PLACES FOR PEEPING TOMS: Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs
NATIONAL JAGA KERETA: Wilson.
NATIONAL MOST MISPRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour (sound like Car Fu). Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!
NATIONAL ANTHEM OF PETALING STREET: "Lemon Tree" Natural successor: "Barbie Girl".
NATIONAL ROAD: Jalan Tun Razak. On a short stretch there's the National Theatre, National Heart Institute and the National Library.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT ANNUAL DINNERS: Attacking the Balloons This one can never figure out. When the balloons are dropped from the ballroom's ceiling, grown men in tuxedos, women, children, even the Waiters will attack the balloons like savages. They squashed and stomped on the balloons so ferociously until not the single inflated balloon is left. They take no prisoners. They then quietly march out of the ballroom like victorious soldiers leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. Animals!
NATIONAL DECEPTION: The Wonder Bra Ever wonder why your girlfriend or wife suddenly looked incredibly shapely when she's dressed up for a party? It's the Wonder Bra! At this point if you experience a sudden uncontrollable urge for a quickie, she'll most likely give you the standard National Response: "I don't want to mess up my makeup".
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Braless Tourist See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a braless Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets of KL.
NATIONAL POSE: Stick Two Fingers. Another one which I can't figure out. When you're having your picture taken, the friend behind you will always place two "horns" on your head.
-Author Unknown-
*Posted for laughs with grateful thanks to T.O.
Cat-from-Sydney Aunty Paula,
May I improvise one item?
NATIONAL WATCH (for politicians): Omega
har har har *evil laughs*