Political Jokes for Monday Morning Part 2

Posted by M ws On Monday, April 16, 2012 3 comments
10 Drafts for Concession Speeches

1st Draft

Good Evening, my fellow Americans: Tonight we come to the end of a long road and the start of a new one. Having exhausted all avenues of appeal in the U.S. and Florida, my legal team has filed a claim in World Court seeking to over turn the Florida elect..... crumple crumple crumple

2nd Draft

Good evening, my fellow Americans; Tonight, in the spirit of national unity and despite being the undisputed winner of the popular vote... crumple crumple crumple

3rd Draft

Good Evening Everyone. Many of you no doubt know what it feels like to get royally shaf... crumple crumple crumple

4th Draft

Good Evening my fellow Americans; Although it is the opinion of my attorneys and myself that I do not fit the legal definition of "loser,"...... crumple crumple crumple

5th Draft

I can't do this. I just can't do this, crumple crumple crumple

6th Draft

Hello, my fellow Americans. It's been a long and difficult month for me and, indeed, for the entire nation. But the time has come for us all to throw our enthusiastic support behind our next president, George W. Buhh...Bbb ..bahoo. (laugh) Pardon me. Let me try that again: President George W. Buh, Buh. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD PEOPLE! HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO PUNCH OUT A FREAKIN' CARDBOARD HOLE IN A BALLOT! MORONS! crumple crumple crumple

7th Draft

My fellow Americans, in light of recent unfavorable court decisions, it has come to my understanding that a majority of you want to turn the country over to a recovering alcoholic and functional illiterate... crumple crumple crumple

8th Draft

Good Evening, my fellow Americans. Have you ever known someone who took something from a store without paying for it? That's called "stealing," and in America stealing is a cri,,,,, crumple crumple crumple

9th Draft

My fellow Americans; most of you probably know how to count. One, Two, three. And so on. See? It's not that difficult. (smile). So can someone please explain to me why the state of Florida,,,,, cumple crumple crumple

10th Draft

Good evening Everyone. Generally speaking Civil War is never a good thing. But there are times...ah, forget it.

_______________________

A few years ago, Japan’s Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English Conversation training before he visited Washington and met president Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori “Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say ‘how are you’. Then Mr. Clinton will say,” I’m fine, and you?” Now you should say ‘me too’.

Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you.”

It looked quite simple, but the truth was…

When Mori met Clinton, he mistakenly said “Who Are You?”.

Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:

“Well, I am Hilary’s husband, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.”

Then Mori replied confidently “Me too, hahaha…hahaha…”

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.


___________________________________

Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."

In a Veteran's Day speech, President Bush vowed, 'We will finish the mission. Period.' Afterwards, he was advised he doesn't have to read the punctuation marks.

_________________________________

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb cracker."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

_______________________________

George W. Bush and his driver were going to Air Force One and were passing a farm. A pig jumped out in the road suddenly. The driver tried to get out of the way, but he hit him. He went in the farm to explain what had happened. He came out with a beer, a cigar, and a tons of money. Bush saw this and said, "My God, what did you tell them?" The driver replied, "I told them that I'm George W. Bush's driver and I just killed the pig."

As Governor, Bush got to ceremonially act as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap Bush pulled over a Texas farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya, Sir?" Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of horses." Bush says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a minute he stops and slowly says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse's ass." Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Bush and Powell are slaving in the hot sun digging a hole while Rice is sitting under a tree drinking iced tea. Bush says to Powell, "hey, how come we're out here sweating and she's over there relaxing"? Powell shrugs and says "I dunno George why don't you go ask her." Bush climbs out of the hole he's been digging and wanders over to Rice and says "Me and Colin want to know why we're workin' our butts off and you're relaxing under this tree". "Well George", Rice says, "it's like this."

"You ever heard of a thing called Smarts"? "Smarts", George says, "what's that"? Rice says, "Here I'll show you how it works". "Now I'll hold my hand up in front of this tree and you punch it as hard as you can, okay?" Bush sensing a great ooportunity eagerly agrees. He gathers all of his strength and punches with all of his might but Rice moves her hand just in time for George to bust his on the tree. "Now you understand how Smarts works George" Rice asks.

"Gheeez", Bush replies, "that's pretty neat". Swelling with confidence Bush goes back to his hole and tells Powell, "hey, this is neat, the reason we're working is because of a thing called Smarts". "Smarts"' Powell says. "What's that." Bush replies, "now I'll hold my hand up in front of my face and you...

Prime Minister Paul Martin, Finance Minister Ralph Goodale, and Revenue Minister John McCallum are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Goodale and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Goodale shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy." Not to be outdone, McCallum says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10
bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make millions of people happy."

_________________

3 comments to Political Jokes for Monday Morning Part 2

  1. says:

    cin2tan Hi, fellow malaysians, TOLONG give me another 5 years then :
    'I help u & u help me' !!

  1. says:

    masterwordsmith Dear cin2tan

    Will we be able to say or sing for sure that the times, they are a-changing?

    Sighs

  1. says:

    superneil Great post, I have been talking with my friend about.....

    Thanks,
    Political Humor

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