masterwordsmith-unplugged

THE MAN WITH A PASSION

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.


FROM HERE TO MATERNITY

A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.

"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.

"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.

At this the nurse pops her head through the door, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"

The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam. I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool,".



BATHTIME FUN

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

REVENGE IS SWEET

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
A LITTLE CULTURE

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

____________________

A Belch is but a gust of wind
That cometh from the Heart,
But should it take a downward trend,
Turneth into a Fart

RESPECT YOUR ELDERS

Did you hear about the old guy who went to the retirement home?

His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day.

The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up.

This went on throughout their visit.

In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home.

'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'.

'How so?' asked the son.

'How so? Every time I lean over to fart, they won't let me!'

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "let's swap positions tonight." "What a good idea," she replies.

"You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."