masterwordsmith-unplugged

What do you call a guy who dies and goes to heaven but has to enter through the kitchen? A musician.

Two men were at a bar and one said, " Hey, I had my IQ checked and it was 175, The other responded " That's a coincidence so is mine, what do you do for a living?" " I'm a physicist." was the reply. Again came "that's a coincidence so am I." This was overheard at a nearby table and these two compared IQ's at 160 and were surprised that they were both brain surgeons. At another nearby table one man despondently said to the other "Did you hear that? I had my IQ checked and it was only 52." The other said, rather enthusiastically, "That's a coincidence. So is mine. What instrument do you play????"

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

What's the difference between a musician and a mutual fund? The mutual fund eventually matures and earns money.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Knock, knock. Who's there? Phillip Glass.

What did they find when they dug up Beethoven's grave? He was decomposing.

Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

Why was the music theorist drunk? He tried to use a fifth with his tonic.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A flat major.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb? No, but hum a few bars and I'll play it.

Wagner is the Puccini of music.

Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.

How many music critics does it take to change a lightbulb? Music critics don't know how, but rest assured they'll find something wrong with the way you do it.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb? One, two, three, one, two, three.

How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

One day the musicians for a rather large recording session were assembling at a studio. Everyone had ther headphones on, the session was close to getting underway and the producer of the session came over the talkback system and said "Okay I need to have total silence! Just then the drummer on the session played a big Barumdum Crash! To which the record producer replied, "Okay who did that?"

Know how to make a million dollars singing jazz? Start with two million.