More Holy Humour

Posted by M ws On Thursday, August 23, 2012 0 comments
I am sharing this selection of jokes for laughs with no intention to offend anyone. Have a pleasant evening.


New York Lawyer

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to He**."
__________________________

The Family Bible

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
____________________________

Where Did We Come From?

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's how all mankind was made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
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Naughty Nuns
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.

The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She just picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."
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Driving In India

A Buddhist Monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road.

The car hit and killed the dog.

The Buddhist Monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door.

A monk opened the door.

The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."
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Parish Visit

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
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The Priest And The Pilot
A Catholic Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Alex Jones, a retired American Airlines Pilot from Dallas, Texas."

Saint Peter consults his list.

He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom."

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the priest's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Joe McTiernan, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter again consults his list.

He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"

"Up here we go by results," says Saint Peter, "when you preached - - people slept; when he flew - - people prayed."
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The Post Office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
The Woodcutter
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.. MOSTLY his 1st lady!


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