masterwordsmith-unplugged

New Virus: Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were circa 1960.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice..
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. .
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. .
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. .
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. .
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. .
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND".

IT'S CALLED THE C-NILE VIRUS.

THINGS WE EVENTUALLY LEARN

- Wrinkles don't hurt.
- Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
- Do not sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
- The best place to be when you are sad is Grandma' s lap.

SOCIAL SECURITY SIGN-UP

After retiring, Kent went to the local office to apply for Social Security. The clerk asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry.

In lieu of his going home and coming back later, the clerk said, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opened his shirt, revealing his curly silver hair. The clerk said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.

When Kent got home, he excitedly told his wife about the experience at the Social Security office. His wife replied. "You should have taken off the rest of your clothes. From what I see, you might have gotten disability, too."


THINKING GOOD THOUGHTS
One morning a man comes into the church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches. An altar boy witnesses the scene and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he's just seen. Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?"

"Over by the holy water, Father. Flat on his back."

The Suitor
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid eighties).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says: "So tell me, do I come here often?"

TEST FOR DEMENTIA 

Exercise of the brain is important. As we grow older - past 30 - it is important that we keep mentally alert. Use it or lose it particularly applies to the brain. So here is a way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the following test and determine ! if you are "losing it" or if you are still "with it."
Relax. Clear your mind.

Begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
ANSWER:
! Bread.
If you said "toast"...then give up now and go do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said "bread"...Go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times.
Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
ANSWER:
Cows drink water.
If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question.
Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat.
It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children's World.
If you said "water"...
Go to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks
and a blue house is made from blue bricks
and a pink house is made from pink bricks
and a black house is made from black bricks,
what is a green house made from?
ANSWER:
Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said" green bricks,".....?????
If you said "glass"...
Go on to Question 4.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany.
If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.
Anyway...during the flight, TWO of the engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately that engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "No man's land" between East Germany and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany! or West Germany or in "No man's land"?
ANSWER:
You don't...of course...bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else...something is wrong and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors"...
Go to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
ANSWER:
One degree
If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far,but you are obviously out of your league.
If you messed up, ....you know what to do...
Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Do not use a calculator.
You are driving a bus from London to Miford Haven in Wales.
In London, seventeen people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
ANSWER:
Oh...for crying out loud!
Don't you remember?
It was YOU!!

-Anonymous-
_____________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

OOPS!"

-Anonymous-

*Posted for laughs. Have a great day!