masterwordsmith-unplugged

    Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.

    Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

    3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

    Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
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"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.

"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

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The couple's 50th wedding anniversary was approaching.

The husband asked his long-suffering wife, "What would you like to do for our anniversary, Dear?"

She looked at him sourly and replied, "Become a widow!"

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the
little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"
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During my last physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level...

... and so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon,  I waded along the edge of a lake, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, drank eight beers and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."
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The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia.

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

-Author Unknown-