masterwordsmith-unplugged

I received the following post from Angela in late September and even though I have read it many times, I still have a good laugh at this list which I am posting in two parts - just for laughs with no intention to offend anyone. The reason why I hesitated till now is because er...it is a bit over the limit. Nonetheless, I have 'censored' some parts in case it offends some readers.

The top 40 ways men fail in bed... Take notes, all you Casanovas!

Part 1 features No 1-20. Part 2 will be posted at 9.30pm this evening.

1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out non-essentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER N*****S. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Ni**les are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER N****ES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the n*****s between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown V****a. So start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the d**n things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. C**dom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE C******S. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE V*****. Although most men can find the C without maps, they still believe that the v is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her C and the exterior of her V at first, then gently test the territory and see her response.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the actual situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

Part 2 (No 21-40) will be posted at 9.30pm. Don't forget to swing by later in the evening.