Awesome Tuesday Humour

Posted by M ws On Tuesday, May 21, 2013 0 comments
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch.

Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. "Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry sir", replies the customer service person, "the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

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A husband and wife are looking at their extremely overgrown garden. She says "When are you going to tidy all this up, love?"

He replies "Ah come on now, you know I'm no Diarmud Gavin..."

The garden stays just the way it is. A week later she points out outstanding jobs in the house. 
This time he says " Ah but I'm no Handy Andy am I?" Again, no progress is made.

The following week the lack of progress in decorating is brought to his attention. 
"Well I'm no Llewellyn-Bowen am I?" he retorts.

A week later a young man comes to the door offering to do any gardening or odd jobs around the home. She takes him up on the offer and the hubby is amazed on his return from work that evening.

"However did you pay for all this?" he asks.

His wife says "I was offered a choice; either cook him a meal, or go to bed with him.........

....and you know I'm no Delia Smith!"

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Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. 

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. 

When the mother and new Baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. 

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. 

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the Word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. 


Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." 

The mother said, "Why, Thank you, Little Johnny." 

Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?" "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." 

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "coz he'd be ***ked if he needed Glasses"
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Have a wonderful day!






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