The Black-Eyed Husband *joke*

Posted by M ws On Wednesday, September 11, 2013 0 comments
A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised, black eye.

'Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?'

'Well,' explains the man, 'I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!'

The man continues, 'What's your story?' The other guy explains, 'I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid woman.''

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Here's an oldie but goodie...

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor.

First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone.

The counsellor asks, 'You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?'

The wife replies, 'It's my husband - he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!'

'How does he drive you crazy?'

'For 20 years,' she says, 'he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing.'

The marriage counsellor is amused, 'Anything else?'

'He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!'

'Hmm, anything else?' The wife hesitates, 'Whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!'

'Ah,' says the counsellor, 'I think I'll talk to your husband now.'

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

The counsellor tells him, 'Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you.'

The husband looks shocked, 'WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?'

The counsellor explains, 'She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.' The husband looks concerned, 'Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed, and I swore I'd obey everything he said.'

'What did he say?' 'He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!'

The counsellor looks amused, 'Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.'

The husband looks sheepish, 'Oh. Okay.'

The counsellor continues, 'And you keep picking your nose in public.'

'Well, it's another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.'

The counsellor looks faint, 'That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity.'

'Oh,' says the husband looking very stupid. 'And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.'

'This,' says the husband seriously, 'is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing.' 'What did he say?' The husband replies, 'In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't f**k up'.'

*Posted for laughs. Have a nice day.

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