Best of Ah Beng Humour

Posted by M ws On Thursday, October 31, 2013 0 comments
Warning: Please exercise self-control when reading these jokes. Make sure you stifle your laughter if you are reading this when at work! I am not responsible for any untoward incidents that may arise from LOL! :-) Have a great day!

Ah Beng: Up in Smoke 

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.

He paid three people to carry out his experiment:

The rules were:

1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.

The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centre folds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."

The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."

The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song" 

Thirty years later, the three contestants came back for a press conference.

Billy had with him 200 children and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"

Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words.
"God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "

The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)


Ah Beng's Guide To Geographical Terminology  

GORGES adj. stunningly beautiful
("That ger (girl) is gorges!")

BEACH noun. a derogatory term for a disliked woman
("That Bee Lian is such a beach, man!")

CORAL verb.
1. to bicker
("Want to coral, is it?")
2. (followed by reef) to argue with
("Want to coral reef me, is it?")

DAM noun. a swear word to express disgust or dismay
("Dam it, call her go Zouk, she doe wan.")

VALLEY adverb. extremely
("That Versachee belt, valley nice!")

THERMOMETER phrase. to meet the next day
("Cindy say thermometer at Taka.")

LATITUDE adjective. a disagreeable demeanour
(" She really got latitude problem man!")

CIRRUS adjective. certain
("Cirrus or not? Don' bluff!")

CANOPY phrase. impossible
("He bought new handphone? Canopy!")

Beware the consequences of indiscriminate rubbing  

Ah Beng went hiking and saw a cave and went in. Inside the cave he picked up a lamp.

He laughed and said, "Ho say leow, kio tiok kim!" and began rubbing the lamp.

And 'poot!' Out came a genie from the lamp. The genie then granted Ah Beng three wishes.

Without thinking carefully, Ah Beng said, "Si mi lan cheow also want."

So the genie stuck all sorts of pe**ses (lan cheow) all over Ah Beng's body.

Shocked and disgusted, Ah Beng then said, "This time si mi lan cheow also do'wan." 

So the genie quickly granted Ah Beng's 2nd wish. And with a 'poot!' all the pe**ses disappeared from Ah Beng's body, including his own.

Even more shocked this time, Ah Beng said, "I want my own last time lan cheow back." 

And with a final 'poot!', Ah Beng got exactly what he wished for: the penis he had when he was a baby. 


A Queer Question  

Question : If you see two Chinese men holding hands & you call them "gays", what do you call 10 Chinese man holding hands ?

Answer : CHINGAY !!

A Seaman's Tale  

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"


Ah Beng Hot Shot

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall.

The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!"

The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready.

The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!"

Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself.

The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

:-) Have a lovely day!

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