masterwordsmith-unplugged

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the pastor to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the pastor knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the pastor called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint him. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me any way? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. Then, he replied "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

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One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay's F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.

Bruce says; "What are you watching that shit for? You can't cook to save your life!."

To which Sheila replies; "So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?"
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Mick and Moe were arrested for smoking dope; they appeared in court on Friday.

After hearing the charges against them, the judge said, "You seem like nice young men.... and this is your first offense. I'm going to give you both a second chance. Rather than wasted time in jail, you could be of great value to our community. Go out this weekend and explain to others the evils of drug use.... try to convince them to give up drugs forever! Be back in this same courtroom on Monday at 9 o'clock sharp."

Monday, the two reappeared before the judge. "How did you do over the weekend?" he asked of Mick.

"Well, Sir, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen! That's wonderful!" What did you tell them?" asked the judge.

 "I used a diagram, your Honor," explained Mick. "I drew two circles; I told them' the big circle is your brain before drugs; the small circle is your brain after drugs.' "

"That's quite admirable," remarked the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he inquired of Moe.

"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156! That's truly amazing! How in the world did you manage to do that?"

"Well, Judge, I used a similar approach. I also drew a large circle and a small circle. I said, pointing to the small circle,' this is your a**hole before prison. ..........' "


*Posted strictly for laughs...:-)