A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way
to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing
the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some
assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His
attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked,
"May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You
got any toilet paper on your side?"
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child.
When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.....women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid people,
to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.
George Washington never told a lie, proving that he had never been a golfer.
A businessman needed millions of dollars to close an important business transaction. He went to church to pray for the money.
He knelt in prayer next to a man who was praying for a hundred dollars to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed the hundred dollars into the other man's hand.
Overjoyed, the man got up and joyfully left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have Your undivided attention...."
Thanks to Mr TSK who shared this list.