After a grueling 4 hours of testing, the examining officer said, "Well, you've passed four of the five tests. I'm very impressed. However, the last test is the hardest of all."
The examiner lead the man to a dark room, switched on a flashlight, and pointed it at a light bulb hanging from the ceiling. "For your fifth test, you must walk on the beam of light and change the bulb."
The madman looked at him with an outraged expression and exclaimed, "Are you NUTS?!?"
He continued, "Yeah right, when I reach half-way you'll turn it off and let me fall!"
*This joke is specially to all blog readers who enjoy humor :-).
-----------------------
Her First Visit (specially dedicated to all my friends in the medical fraternity including Dr. Murali, Dr. Saravanan, Dr.Justine, Dr. Roopi, Dr. Tranquility, Xinch, Lyn, Nisha, Nicholas Aw, Thomas, etc)
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
-------------------------------
Washing Your Cat (specially dedicated to Cat-in-Sydney, Chahya, Datin Mamasita & all my blog readers who are cat lovers - don't take this seriously...it's just for laughs)
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles soap flakes (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odours... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odour as your dog's breath. (Remember ... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water.
And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question, so, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire...the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has
worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realise the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
---------------------------------
Are You Stupid? (specially for former colleagues/students)
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
-------------------------------
The following joke is dedicated to all blog readers who are animal lovers...
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out.
He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home.
Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.
Then he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"
------------------------------------
Five Stages Of Inebriation (FOR NON-MUSLIMS ONLY - Please forgive me if this part of the post offends you. My intention is to humor and not to insult. Thanks for understanding.)
Stage 1 - SMART
---------------
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties
are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
----------------------
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
--------------
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
----------------------
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
-------------------
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words."
----------------------------
Surprise Package
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him.
"Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right
now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk.
"Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
---------------------------
The following joke is dedicated to all my blog readers (especially Andrea, Walt, Nick,Pug, Sandy, Edward etc who have to partake of this activity : WORK.
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via E-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.
Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
Have a great weekend, dear reader!!! THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----------------------
Her First Visit (specially dedicated to all my friends in the medical fraternity including Dr. Murali, Dr. Saravanan, Dr.Justine, Dr. Roopi, Dr. Tranquility, Xinch, Lyn, Nisha, Nicholas Aw, Thomas, etc)
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."
-------------------------------
Washing Your Cat (specially dedicated to Cat-in-Sydney, Chahya, Datin Mamasita & all my blog readers who are cat lovers - don't take this seriously...it's just for laughs)
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed.
That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles soap flakes (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odours... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odour as your dog's breath. (Remember ... your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water.
And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question, so, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First .... dress for the occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
2. A Bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ... blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly, as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire...the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one single liquid motion shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur. His state of shock has
worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best, you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the 5 seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realise the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat, reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure cat is firmly wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about 2 hours .... it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
---------------------------------
Are You Stupid? (specially for former colleagues/students)
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
-------------------------------
The following joke is dedicated to all blog readers who are animal lovers...
A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out.
He went to the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought, "I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home.
Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.
Then he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"
------------------------------------
Five Stages Of Inebriation (FOR NON-MUSLIMS ONLY - Please forgive me if this part of the post offends you. My intention is to humor and not to insult. Thanks for understanding.)
Stage 1 - SMART
---------------
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties
are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
----------------------
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to
this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
--------------
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are also the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
----------------------
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you're SMART, you're RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
-------------------
This is the final stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you - and because you're still SMART you know ALL the words."
----------------------------
Surprise Package
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him.
"Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"
"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right
now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk.
"Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!"
"Then, who is it?" Jim asks.
Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"
---------------------------
The following joke is dedicated to all my blog readers (especially Andrea, Walt, Nick,Pug, Sandy, Edward etc who have to partake of this activity : WORK.
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via E-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.
Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
Have a great weekend, dear reader!!! THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bakarmerah As usual, you have got it all wrong.
Dear Cat Owner(s),
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. You need NOT wear protective gear as previously advised by that mws chick.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
Pug, a caring & concerned dog