Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters.
There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.
"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "Ah! That was the screen saver."
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Badtimes
If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet. It will rewrite your hard drive.
Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so that all your ice cream melts. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use the subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix anti-freeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when company is coming over. It will put a dead fish in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.
"Badtimes" will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.
It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of "Badtimes." It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss' voicemail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
"Badtimes" will give you Dutch elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bath tub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase High School kids with your snowblower.
These are just a few of the things this virus can do. Be warned......."Badtimes" is Bad!
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Computer Problem Report Form
1. Describe your problem: _________________________________________________
2. Now, describe the problem accurately:________________________________________
3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:__________________________________
4. Problem Severity:
A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__
7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
9. Have you made it worse? Yes__
10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__
14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? _____________________________
15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________
16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem
occurred?
_________________________________________________
17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
_________________________________________________
18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
19. How does this problem make you feel? ________________________
20. Tell me about your childhood. _______________________________
21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes_
---------------------------
12 Step Internet Recovery Program
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
----------------------
Seventy-three year old Sol had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight.
Within a month Sol and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon.
"So how was it?" asked Herschel, Sol's partner, on the couple's return.
"Oh, just beautiful," replied a starry-eyed Sol. "The sun, the surf . . . and we made love almost every night, we--"
"Just a minute," interrupted Herschel. "At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?"
"Oh yes," said Sol, "we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . ."
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Have a lovely evening!
As a teenager, one of my favourite habits was squeezing my zits. Shocked? Come on. I am sure many of you did that when you were young ;) Yet, as I grew older, I soon realized that the unbecoming habit of expelling pus from ripened PIMPLES and painstakingly collecting the yellow harvest on a tissue paper would not only cause pain but leave behind crater-like scars. At one stage, my complexion was so bad that I did not even dare to look at myself in the mirror! Fortunately, a healthy diet plus loads of vitamin C soon healed those unsightly marks left behind by my itching fingers. But are we all that lucky?
In our individual lives, we may be carrying scars – the inner fears and pains, bad memories of painful experiences which are very latent obstacles that hinder the way to open communication, loving and being loved. For over twenty years, I counselled many people with all kinds of hurts, scars and traumatic experiences and learnt so much about others and even more about myself. Physical scars can be rectified via cosmetic surgeries, medication or ointments but one takes a longer time to recover from the deep and painful emotional scars inflicted by others, ourselves or circumstances.
There are scars of time…
Those memories that we carry with us...painful but never forgotten experiences that scarred us for life, beautiful and evergreen memories of memorable moments in our lives that we wish we could live again - so much so that we wish we could go into a time machine and do it all again or even perhaps, differently...
Then there are the scars from physical strain...
Perhaps our loved ones worked and toiled to give us what we needed at the expense of their own opportunities in life. And when we look at the scars on their hands, the rough calloused skin or even the wrinkles on their faces, we realize that they love us so much to sacrifice that part of them, that we may live, that we may go to school, that our lives may be richer...that their dreams and hopes for us may be fulfilled...
Then there are the scars formed from rituals or ravages of war...
There could be those who had scars inflicted on them because of customs and rituals.. Because they honored their tribe, they went through the pain and bore the scars as a mark of manhood or womanhood...Such strength is seldom seen in modern society, right?
There are many who may have lost a limb or an eye because they fought for their motherland...And the sacrifices they made - a true love lost, a lifetime of happiness gone in the twinkling of an eye because of a war that never should have been...
But then again, to what extent did/do these scars cause pain and affect us?
Sometimes, we act ‘roles’, wear ‘masks’ and play ‘games’. To me, these are our built-in defenses which we use to protect our vulnerability to the formation and development of scars. Our defense system form patterns of action and reaction in such a way that it can sometimes be so intense that they may take over our true self to the extent that we lose sight of our true identity and worse still, integrity. Is this what has happened to modern society and worse still, the leaders of our country?
What then makes one live a lie or to spread lies and make others believe in them? That is a mystery that I can never unravel...
In reality, each of us experiences deep fears which reveal who we are and that can be quite disconcerting indeed. Perhaps we fear we would be rejected on that count and so we resort instead to seek refuge in our roles, masks and games – a reflex action that has become second nature to many.
Through time, we may be so adept at this that it may be difficult for us to distinguish who we really are, at a given moment in time. What we are and who we are – are these the same?
Such is the complexity of the human condition – a very human problem indeed.
Nonetheless, it is one where we can try to find ourselves, and when we really do, can take off towards the path of growth, integrity and love. Then only do we really begin to live.
We all have our scars, pain and stories of love to tell and it is my prayer that each of us will leave behind a legacy by which we can be remembered...
*This post is specially dedicated to all my blog readers, friends and relatives who may still be struggling with the scars from our past....May you be freed from the pain and receive the love from those around you in your road to recovery....
Have a great weekend, dear reader!
