masterwordsmith-unplugged

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters.

There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water,laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "Ah! That was the screen saver."

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Badtimes

If you receive an e-mail with a subject of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus yet. It will rewrite your hard drive.

Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so that all your ice cream melts. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use the subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix anti-freeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer and leave its socks out on the coffee table when company is coming over. It will put a dead fish in the back pocket of your good suit and hide your car keys when you are late for work.

"Badtimes" will make you fall in love with a penguin. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will pour sugar in your gas tank and shave off both your eyebrows while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing the dinner and hotel room to your Visa card.

It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of "Badtimes." It reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.

It moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick your dog. It will leave libidinous messages on your boss' voicemail in your voice! It is insidious and subtle.

It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

"Badtimes" will give you Dutch elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up. It will make a batch of Methamphetamine in your bath tub and then leave bacon cooking on the stove while it goes out to chase High School kids with your snowblower.

These are just a few of the things this virus can do. Be warned......."Badtimes" is Bad!

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Computer Problem Report Form


1. Describe your problem: _________________________________________________


2. Now, describe the problem accurately:________________________________________


3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:__________________________________


4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__

B. Minor__

C. Minor__

D. Trivial__


5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__

B. Frozen__

C. Hung__

D. Shot__


6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__


7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__


8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__


9. Have you made it worse? Yes__


10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__


11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__


12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__


13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__


14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself? _____________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________


16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem

occurred?

_________________________________________________

17. If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

_________________________________________________


18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__


19. How does this problem make you feel? ________________________


20. Tell me about your childhood. _______________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__


22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes_

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12 Step Internet Recovery Program


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the
Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
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Seventy-three year old Sol had worked in the garment center all his life, never finding the time to get married. But one day a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl walked into the store and it was love at first sight.

Within a month Sol and Rachel were married and on the way to Florida for their honeymoon.

"So how was it?" asked Herschel, Sol's partner, on the couple's return.

"Oh, just beautiful," replied a starry-eyed Sol. "The sun, the surf . . . and we made love almost every night, we--"

"Just a minute," interrupted Herschel. "At your age, forgive me for asking, you made love almost every night?"

"Oh yes," said Sol, "we almost made love Saturday, we almost made love Sunday . . ."
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Have a lovely evening!