One of the things I dread most about the end of the year would be all the feasting that begins with Christmas Eve right till New Year's Day. Just when we sort out the fats and barely manage to wriggle into that pair of jeans again, it's Chinese New Year. Here's a selection of funny stuff about diet diaries and diets. Have fun reading and keep smiling. Happy New Year!
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A Really Funny Diet Diary
The following is a diary extract from someone somewhere who somehow gained weight during December's festivities and now needs to work it off so as to get into her clothes.
Also all those of you out there joining fitness classes and clubs as a New Year resolution should, perhaps, read this first:
Dear Diet Diary Torturer Gym
As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, [what a thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlos Santa [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlos waiting for me. Wow - an Adonis-like hunk with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Yippee!
Carlos gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlos [call me Carl by now] was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FABULOUS week! My New Year resolutions will be easy.
Tuesday Dieting
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Carl made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Later he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carl's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Carl was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carl put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carl told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.
Thursday
Carl was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday
I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the flippin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday
That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday
I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
:-) Comments from any reader is most welcome.
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Diet to Start the New YearFunny New Year Resolutions - Diet
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!
BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
FINALLY REMEMBER:
* "Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
* Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
* Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10kg
* IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.
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Smile a lot and stay happy. Have a lovely start to 2010!
9 comments to DIET BEGINS TODAY - Humor and Jokes
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stephen Get a nintendo Wii and Wii fit plus if you need something fun to exercise.It monitors your weight and there are a lot of fun games to play while exercising!
Another good option is cycling but the sun is mighty fierce in Penang.
I tell my better half that all of us are given a set number of heartbeats, so i don't want to waste them by exercising!! Good excuse?!!
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Chahya Happy New Year Paula.
Diet? Aiyoh! Die lor...
Just eat well...hehehhe
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Unknown Dear Anonymous @ 10.18 am
Many thanks for your very informative piece on the Pritikin DIet. I must try to get on this. Quite a number of my friends have already had heart attacks, angioplasty etc even though they are only in their 40's!!! I believe this is the price we are paying for modern lifestyle and eating habits.
I agree with you that moderation is the key to good health. No sense in killing oneself at the gym and then letting it go once the set weight is reached...
Do take care and thanks for being a caring and considerate reader/friend. I appreciate your kindness and willingness to share.
May God bless you and yours richly this new year.
Warmest wishes
mws
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Unknown Dear Stephen
:-) I have to confess that I have been seriously thinking of getting a Nintendo Wii..Incidentally, I did a post on Nintendo Shii :-) a few months back - a spoof on the Wii :-)
Many of my former students have told me the hours of fun they have had with the dance/exercise program and how they really shed the fats just by having fun...Being older and lazier, I cannot imagine myself at the gym doing what I used to do in the presence of beautiful babes...That would only make me even more depressed haha!!
Very good excuse indeed you have there but my better half would not buy it...neither would he buy the Nintendo LOL!!! He is the outdoor type that believes there is nothing better than brisk walking, a jog or a hike...
Take care and wishing you and yours good health, love and wonderful moments in 2010!
Have a great weekend too!
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Unknown Dear Chahya
Lovely to hear from you! Diet - aiya - I have to lah....so gemuk already :-)
Here's wishing you and yours a wonderful new year filled with showers of blessings, love, health and happiness.
Take care and keep in touch!
Salam
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Nameless Fool I'm not on any diet (I don't believe in them, I eat what I like + Malaysian foods are tempting enough without the failed restraints of diets) but I am starting to do stretches every day. :P
The turnaround in the diet diary is hilarious! I wondered if the woman narrating it is like my own mom in shape, but 'slightly' more dilated.
"Stressed" backwards was "desserts"??? It came as a shock to me since I've never realized it before! Guess that's one of my first word-lessons for this year.
Subliminal messages... xD
Thanks for this big-grin-triggering post, and happy new year, MWS!
Fishfoot :)
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Unknown My dear Fishfoot
I still cannot add you in FB lah...Searched for you using the email that you gave me but no such person. Perhaps you can add me in my public account ...masterwordsmith unplugged malaysia and then i can add u from there?
I have put on so much weight recently that it is no longer funny :-( but I am still happy haha...
Did you put on any weight after your holiday? Take care and enjoy while you are still young cos the metabolic rate is still high hehe
Happy New Year sweetie!!
Hugs
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Nameless Fool I've been putting on weight ever since my exams have ended. :o But they're not skyrocketing at least.
I've made my profile searchable by email again because - sigh - I didn't manage to find that public account.
Wish you prosperous health, Kak Wordsmith. At least your partner is willing to take you out to a place you can go hiking. And with fresh air, I'm guessing, unlike my car-congested suburb.
I think I just found out which constituency I belonged to this morning. If GE13 is held in 2013, I hope I know where to go. I'll know then who I'm voting for. :)
Anonymous My friend, an accountant, was scheduled for angioplasty and he was worried. His lawyer friend recommended him to go on the Pritikin Diet
"The Pritikin Program was often described by Nathan Pritikin, its creator, as “mankind’s original meal plan.” That’s because the focus of the Pritikin diet is unprocessed or minimally processed straight-from-nature foods like fruits, vegetables, legumes (such as black beans and pinto beans), whole grains such as brown rice, starchy vegetables like potatoes and yams, lean meat, and seafood."
"The Pritikin Program also emphasizes another key characteristic of humankind up until the last century: plenty of daily exercise, including at least 30 minutes of aerobic exercise like brisk walking, weight training two to three times weekly, and stretching, optimally every day."
After a few months of vigorous exercise and the diet, he was ecstatic to find that besides losing weight, he need not go for angioplasty and his cholesterol was down. However, he looked so undernourished and wasted that his wife had to ask us to persuade him to eat more food.
His daily regime was exercise, then followed by:
1. Breakfast: Oats and raw garlic with fruit juice
2. Lunch: Vegetable juice
3. Dinner: Brown rice, vegetables and a small portion of lean meat
No wonder he looked as though he was an inmate of a prisoner of war camp.
From the wiki on Dr. Nathan Pritikin
"Diagnosed with heart disease in the 1950s, he engaged in a low-fat diet that was high in unrefined carbohydrates along with a moderate aerobic exercise regime."
"When his own disease improved substantially, he established the Pritikin Longevity Center in 1976 and served as its director."
"In the early 1980s, he began to suffer severe pain and complications related to his decades-long fight with leukemia, which had been in remission for 27 years. He committed suicide on February 21, 1985."
Could his low fat diet, rich with unprocessed straight-from-nature (organic poisons?) carbohydrates, fruits and vegetables which "cured" his heart disease, triggered the leukemia (which was in remission) instead?
Aha, here lies a cautionary tale.
So, instead of torturing ourselves with all sorts of weird exercise regimes and diets, eat (a variety of foods), drink (red wine) and be merry (don't worry, be happy).
Exercise with moderation rather than follow the "no pain, no gain" approach (a form of masochism).
Cheers and enjoy life in the New Year.