masterwordsmith-unplugged

The world`s first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world`s first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."
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Pilot's eyesight!
An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand.
One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he`d been suckered all these years. Then the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?"

"Well," said the pilot, "it`s really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years."
"I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take- off?"
"Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!"
"But once you`re aloft?"
"Oh, everything`s fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the auto-pilot and the plane pretty much flies itself."
"But I still don`t see how you land!"
"Oh, that`s the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport`s radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, `AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!`, then I will pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!"
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Extremely efficient!

Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.
Turning to the other two engineers, he said, `At Wipro, we are trained to be extremely thorough.`
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turned and said, `At TCS, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.`
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, `At INFY we don`t pee on our hands.`
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You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
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Top 10 Signs that You`ve Overdosed on The World Wide Web

Your opening line is: "So, what`s your homepage address?"
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn`t Do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own webpage.
So does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

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What computer acronyms really stand for:

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
WWW - World Wide Wait
DOS - Defunct Operating System
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
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Types of Girls

Hard Disk Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

Windows Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

Screensaver Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

Internet Girls:
Difficult to access.

Server Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

Multimedia Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

Email Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

Virus Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.
This post is truncated. Click the next link to read more.
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10 Commandments Of E-Mail

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needs.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sends it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, Spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, Here`s the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

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Email Heights
HEIGHT OF REPETITION: Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you by someone in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION: Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE: Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS: Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION: The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS: Writing an intimate email and doing a 'Reply All.'

HEIGHT OF ACHIEVEMENT: A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS: A person sending email to himself.

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Actual radio conversation!
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES` ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT`S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: THIS IS A LIGHT HOUSE. YOUR CALL!
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The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man.'

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
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Cannibals in an IT company

Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You`re all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don`t trouble the other employees.
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
A month later the boss returns and says: "You`re all working very hard, and I`m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavowed all knowledge of the missing cleaner.
After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we`ve been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
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Have a nice day, folks! Do leave a comment if you wish to share your thoughts. Thanks.