And I do ask my better half and my son almost everyday..."Do you love me?" :-) I believe that many women yearn for more but seldom ask.
“But I shouldn’t have to ask” is the refrain I’ve heard many times when I ask my friends if they do ask their family members.
I reckon that could be a false belief that may cause unexpressed pain, deep suffering and even rage or frustration - a scenario which could possibly lead to quarrels. It is quite an absurd situation because unless our spouse is psychic, he/she won’t know what we want unless we ask!
It’s that simple!
In my younger days, I used to feel that my better half was not expressive because he did not love me haha! Older and wiser, I realize that if our spouses are not that expressive,it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love us! It is just that they just have their own map of the world and can be caught up with their own way of thinking and experiencing the world. On a lighter note, and it just means they haven’t fully developed their psychic powers enough yet!
Just as the genie in Aladdin's lamp couldn’t grant me any of my wishes if I didn’t tell him what they were, I realize that my better half can’t try to guess either. Thus, our partners can’t fulfil our wishes, dreams or needs if they don’t know what they are! So we have to tell them. :-)
I learnt lots from the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. We really have to spell out what we want/need but within limits of course! It is an excellent book which contains many suggestions for improving relationships between men and women through understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite sex. John Gray argues that men and women are as different as beings from other planets, and that learning the code of conduct of the opposite sex is of essential value even if individuals do not necessarily conform to the stereotypical behaviour.
So the line “If you really loved me, I wouldn’t have to ask” is not really a valid claim.
I should know because my better half and I are so different and after thirty three years of being together, I know that he loves me to bits but his idea of a good night out is a herbal tea and a Chinese meal while mine is white wine and smoked salmon. :-) Still, we have our fair share of herbal tea, wine, Chinese and Western cuisine.
Well, it was not easy to reach Peaceville :-). Like what I wrote in previous posts, we used to fight so much in the early years but time has a way of binding us together in love and understanding. It has been many years since we last fought. Finally, I am enjoying the lessons learnt from mistakes and am learning to communicate specifically with my loved ones. No more hints or guessing games.
Now, I encourage my better half to respond in the way I’d like him to by asking questions and not expecting him to be a mind reader. Now, if I want a romantic evening, I ask for it. If I want to go hiking, I invite him to join me :-).
Gone are the days when I used to nag, whine, complain or criticize. If only I had learnt earlier to just simply, pleasantly, cheerfully and respectfully ask. I would have spared myself and my family lots of painful episodes. I've learnt precious lessons from the decades of being together - not to tell or boss or make unreasonable demands but just to ask. That simple process can open up a whole new world where love, harmony and memorable moments can begin. I believe the same principle applies in other relationships....
And why am I writing this today? I have been reflecting loads about life - what I have been through the past years, lessons learnt, how I have changed and where I am heading in my twilight years. Each day when I go to bed, I thank God for life, my family and all I had been through that day. And when I wake up, I am thankful for yet another day that I am alive, to have my family to love and to cherish and to truly seize the day before the dusk sets in and my life comes to an end. So here's wishing you and yours a blessed week and love, joy, peace and happiness everyday of your life.
Hafiz b Shukor Action speaks louder than words...