masterwordsmith-unplugged

I am still halfway doing my sopo post so here's something funny for us to destress. Thanks to a friend who sent it to me recently. Do swing by again later. Thanks! Have a nice day.

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal, speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"or "The smeller's the feller."



Occasionally, this oral tradition has achieved the level of Xerox publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.

Blind Farts: Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa 1880 - see also "SBD's").

Boomers: Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-concealed pride.

Carpet Creepers: Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably anonymous, having left the room.

Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a series; originator betrays disappointment.



Fudgies: Also known as Wet Ones.

One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitious contributions, usually signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce blushes, giggles, glares.



Poohs: Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

SBD's: (Silent But Deadly type). Consistant with the Law of Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism responsible is usually the innocent-looking person glancing about suspiciously.

Screamers: High-pitched, tight-sphincter offerings, often of astonishing duration and tonal variations; most pleasurably exchanged among roomates or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

Sliders: See One-Cheek Sneaks.

Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all concerned.

Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are accompanied by guttural, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous content. Originator registers astonishment, dread, then departs, walking funny.

Whiffers: see Poohs.

-Author Unknown-




*Posted for humor and for all who love to fart :-).